Monday, July 13, 2009
People! The time has come to take up arms against the rising evil. I've heard from a completely unreliable source that the corpse of Michael Jackson will soon rise from the grave to wreak havoc upon the unsuspecting populace and spread his undead evil across the world. We only have days to take up arms and fight! Shotguns, axes, sporks, fruit cake, anything you can get your hands on must be used to stem the coming tide of necrotic flesh. Because of my extensive history of putting down the recently deceased, I have a few tips that should help those of you caught unawares to survive the impending war:
1. Aim for the head! You can distract him long enough to take aim by throwing a small boy (ages 5 and up are preferable according to my , um, research) in his path.
2. Stock up on supplies: Water, canned goods and zombie repellant will be vital. If you're unable to find zombie repellant (damned Wal-Mart is always out) then Hawaiian Tropic Sun Tan Lotion will do in a pinch. Zombie MJ will do anything to avoid getting any pigment into its rotting epidermis.
3. (Have someone else) Take one for the team: Always be aware of who the weakest member of your party is so you'll never hesitate in leaving that person behind should they trip, get wounded, ask for an autograph etc.
I'll try and come back with some more info and survival tips, but I have to spread the word. Fight on!