Monday, December 24, 2007

Observation


Something's been bugging me lately, folks: More and more people seem to have taken to no longer saying "Merry Christmas" and now use the generic "Happy Holiday" greeting. I actually had someone today stumble over their words trying to figure out how to wish me a merry Christmas. You know what, screw that! Just say "Merry Christmas", alright? You know what the worst thing that can happen would be if I didn't celebrate Christmas (which I do, by the way)? I would politely correct you and say "Why thank you, sir/m'am, I don't celebrate Christmas but I do appreciate the well wishes".

There. Was that so bad?

Fucking political correctness. Anyway, Merry Christmas to all of you that do celebrate it and a happy New Year to all.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

In the Can

Afternoon folks. Here are a couple of brand spankin' new trailes for your consumption holes. The first is a quick tv spot for Cloverfield, the new JJ Abrams project opening on 01-01-08. It features a great shot of jets flying through New York, a bridge collapsing, and some character dialogue. Hard to believe it's just over a month before this sucker hits the big screen and all that viral marketing pays off.



This next one is the first trailer for Hellboy II: The Golden Army, directed by Guillermo Del Toro. I like the new looks for Selma Blair's character Liz Sherman, and Abe Sapien, played by Doug Jones. It kinda bothered me in the first film that they would send these characters into dangerous situations unarmed (even though Liz is a walking nuke). They've definitely taken some tips from the animated Hellboy films that are out in regards to the character design and costumes. It's a bit more comic book-ish, but I think it works in the films world.

Monday, December 17, 2007

I am JJ Abrams' little bitch

Here is a 5 minute clip from the upcoming JJ Abrams project Cloverfield. Feel free to copy the code and post to your own blog

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Brookstoned is the way of the walk

This holiday season, nothing says "I have no clue what you like, so, yeah. Here's something that requires 15 D Cell batteries and an extension cord", quite like a gift from the Brookstone catalog.

"Oh Manny, what do I give to that person that'll let them know exactly how I feel about them? Can you help me?"

Of course, you cotton-headed ninny-muggins! Here's some handy gift ideas and what each gift says about your so called "friends" (who are probably too wrapped in things like their kids, parents, siblings, blah, blah, fucking blah):

"Hey Fatty! How about stepping out of the line at Fatburger and stepping onto this scale? Not only with this little baby calculate your body fat percentage (here's a hint: you're somewhere between Marlon Brando and this.) Also, since it's transparent, you'll be able to see the tile cracking beneath your feet as you set your tree trunk size leg on this bad boy. Merry Christmas, Shamu!"


"What's stuck up your ass?? Why, this little beauty here, that's what! Now you'll be able to tell everyone EXACTLY what's stuck up your ass and how long it's been rolling around in there for. Also, the built in thermometer will tell you the exact temperature in Hershey Town at the push of a button. Feel like taking a nap? The built in alarm with touch snooze feature will keep you from missing that all important "I'm a douche bag that wouldn't be on time for his/her own douching" douche bag's anonymous meeting. Douche bag."


"Happy Kwanzaa, you god damned shut-in! Even your porcine fingers shouldn't have difficulty finding the 'Sit on your ass all day and watch TV' channel, thanks to the over sized buttons on this bad boy. The buttons are even glow in the dark, so you won't have to bother with any of that pesky sunlight: just set it next to the warm glow of your Sith light saber. The 6 in 1 feature lets you control your TV, DVD, self inflating Lara Croft doll, milkshake I.V., ceiling mounted crane (for avoiding those pesky bed sores) and animatronic Harry Knowles".

Hope that helps, folks. If not, go screw. Merry Christmas, and Happy Fucking New Year!

Friday, December 14, 2007

The power of Campbell compels you!

Ok, I know my little corner of the blogosphere has been movie clip central for the past couple of days, but it's my blog and I can be lazy if I want to. However, I found this little gem whilst trolling the interwebs, and it features the greatest B movie actor ever to grace my screen with his chiseled features. Who is that man? None other than Bruce Campbell:




That's right, bitches, Mr. "This...is my boom-stick!" is back with his latest masterpiece "My Name is Bruce".


The synopsis (according to IMDB) is as follows: B Movie Legend Bruce Campbell is mistaken for his character Ash from the Evil Dead trilogy and forced to fight a real monster in a small town in Oregon.

The synopsis (according to me) is as follows: This movie is going to rock. your. ass! You will laugh so hard your sphinctre will probably rupture but you won't care, because it's Bruce Campbell! His ability to so completely immerse himself in his character and create layer upon layer of complexity will have you in tears. If you don't completely enjoy this movie and forego any and all other facets of your life as you watch and rewatch it, you're probably Al Qaeda and definitely devoid of a soul.



Ruptured sphinctre? Check. Tears of joy? Check. It's THAT good.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Absurd History

Absurd History
Video sent by wblab

"Absurd History" is a sketch comedy show that imagines the moments in history that ordinary objects were created.

In space, no one can hear me giggle like a school girl...

Hey folks, here are the first 5 minutes of Alien Vs. Predator 2, courtesy of Worstpreviews.com's source code. As shitty as the first one was, I'm actually really looking forward to this one. Say what you will.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Nothing says Christmas like slave labor

As has become tradition at The Disco, we gathered some of the neighborhood kids, and along with my two girls, my nephew, assorted fruits of loins, bribed them with pizza and sugar and set them to decorate our tree while the adults guzzled cheap beer and sushi...




Behold, the end result...



Also, here are some photos of various Christmas decorations loitering about my kingdom.

First up, in the dining nook is a tree we purchased at the our local Wal-Mart (shut up, they have cheap decorations). By the looks of the tangle of cords trailing behind it, you'd think I could flag down a fucking passenger jet with this sucker...




Next, in the formal living area, we have contributions from both my side of the family, as well as Kristine's. I give to you the timeless, classical, and infinitely more valuable...Snowmen dancing on a piano to the tune of "Dashing through the snow"...



To the right of my snowmen is a clay manger scene that Kristine got from...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...If you look really closely, one of the donkeys lost an ear that we had to glue back on.



Ooh! Here is the gingerbread Christmas tree K and I put together a couple of nights ago...That's right, bitches, I was in AP art class in High School. Suck it.



Wearing the Santa hat with chasing star lights that I will undoubtedly pass down to my next child, is a nutcracker that my girls picked out. And yes, that is the dvd of the movie "You got served". Word.




Next, on the adjacent wall are the stockings hung with care...



And last, but certainly not least, I give to you for your viewing pleasure...the worlds largest wreath courtesy of Kristine's mom and her Costco membership. I'm pretty sure there's a family of racoons living comfortably inside of this...




What fire hazard?

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Memo to me:



Inspired by fellow blogger and all around buffoon, TK.

Dear 13 yr old Manny,

How’s it going, kid? So, you should be on your last year of private school by the time you get this. How did this get to you, you ask? Well, it involves stuff like flux capacitors, quantum physics and Michael J. Fox. Anyway, I thought I’d give you a few pointers that may make the rest of my life a bit easier, so hear goes. Mom is going to come back into your life in a big way, so be ready for that. It’s going to be a weird transition, what with her being gay and all now, but it’s for the best. Enjoy the time you have with her. I mean that. Tell her you love her every chance you get. Also, ask more questions like: Why did you and dad split? What part of Puerto Rico is our family from? What kind of drugs were you on? Why is Grandma Nancy bat-shit crazy? Stuff like that. And Liz…well, keep your room clean, do your chores, and for the love of Buddha don’t spill ANYTHING ANYWHERE and you should get along fine. She’s kinda high strung, but she means well.

Tell mom you love her.

High School is going to be kind of boring the first couple of years. You’re going to want to glom on to the first people that talk to you, but hanging out with the tennis club isn't going to rocket you to the top of the popular kids list. So be more outgoing and talk to more people. Kids in high school are waaay more insecure than you think. Show more confidence and they’ll flock to you. Here’s a list of Do’s and Don’ts for high school:

1. DO NOT hook up with Cynthia Alvarez. The temptation to rail a cheerleader is huge, I know, but it’s not going to be worth it in the long run.
2. DO be yourself, dude. You’ll be a lot happier with yourself later on.
3. DO NOT, under any circumstances, hook up with anyone with the first name Larissa and the last name Alvarez. You’ll be happy you did.
4. DO hook up with that girl with the, um...yeah those. And take pictures.
5. DO NOT tell anyone to “get their skinny white ass” to the quad over the loud speaker.
6. DO say “yes” when Brian asks you if you want to try Ecstasy. Yeah, yeah “drugs are bad” and all that…but DAMN!
7. DO call your grandmother more often. Remember what I said about mom?
8. DO NOT hook up with Rachel. Way too much drama. Plus, she's a bitch.
9. DO be more involved with your little brother. He's a prick, but he's your brother.
10. DO NOT, not matter what anyone tells you, drop 4 pills of E in one night. 3, OK. 4, not so much. Your tongue will thank you.

Junior year things are really gonna pick up. As soon as you can, start hanging out with Victor (Liz’s nephew). You’ll spend most of the year drunk and at some great parties. Tone down the partying in college and get a fucking degree. Now, taking all that into consideration, if you should violate rules number 1 and 3…suck it up. Things are going to be a lot different for you from that point forward, and you’re going to have to make a lot of changes. Be responsible, grow up (fast) and things will be a bit easier to handle.


With all this said, there is one last thing I want you to know. If you should choose to ignore every piece of advice in this letter, and your life takes the course it has, there is a light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. You will meet a wonderful, caring, intelligent, motivated woman that will help you turn your life into what it should have been a decade before. She will be your best friend, your best critic, your most avid supporter, and more.

Tell mom you love her.

If you stick to the rules, you should skate through high school and into some uncharted territory. All I can tell you is to be yourself, do what’s right, and don’t settle. You’re smart, funny, and God dammit you’re a handsome summamabitch. Also, whenever possible, rail the chick with the...um, yeah those.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Harold and Kumar 2 Restricted Trailer



Hate your job? Turn the volume waaay up, sit back, click your heels together three times and say "There's no place like the unemployment line".

Sunday, December 2, 2007

Is that a pineapple in your pants or are you just happy to see me?

These guys have been growing on me since I heard "Your face" on KROQ 106.7. I guess this would be what 311 would sound like if they didn't suck now. Enjoy some of Pepper's "Dirty hot sex (Give it up)"....this should be good for some accidental traffic. You perverts.





Now here's a Pepper concert montage set to "Your face". These guys are pretty damn good. It's almost like Alient Ant Farm meets 311.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Chobot Broadcast Network




Hey folks, if there is anyone left that still reads this blog show some support for a very talented young man. He may very well be colorzing your favorite black and white films in the future.

The last laugh



Empire magazine has posted their image of Heath Ledger as the Joker. Looks great to me, what do ya'll think?

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Retard Hero II: Tards of Rock



Goin' to Hell in a hand basket with gasoline underwear, you bet.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Phrase of the day: "Slow news day"

Over the past week or so I've made note of some particularly inane "news" stories that have been advertised. Like to hear em'? He' it goes...

1. Cell phone terrorism. Wow. Really? How about getting a new phone? Or maybe calling the person back and ask them if they've "accepted Jesus as their lord and savior", or my personal favorite which is to tell them you've always wanted a stalker and if you can meet for coffee and arrange a stalking schedule. Who doesn't like a good stalking? Who's with me?

2. Praying for rain? What. The . Fuck?? How about a good old rain dance? Maybe a divinig rod to find that pesky well that keeps jumping around? This was a particular fucky piece of news. The god damned GOVERNOR of Atlanta, GA is holding a vigil for rain. Let me repeat that. A vigil. For rain. RAIN, people. I'd like to ask my remaining readers to join hands and pray that a Hollywood producer finds this blog and wants to give me piles of money to make a movie about my life as a parent. Kumbayah, bitches.

3. STD's are all the rage these days. I'm tellin' you, those crazy kids and the Wii's and PS2's and...The Clap? According to the New York Stock Exchange, Gonorrhea is up after an all time low, and Syphillis is seeing a promising upswing as well. Not to be forgotten, Chlamydia experienced a jump from 976,000 in '05 to 1,031,000 in '06. Hey TK, good job importing those Somalian prostitutes.

Monday, November 5, 2007

I want my two dollars! (I'll settle for $1.50, though)


So, I've concluded my first week of "training" at my new job. Let me ask you a question, loyal readers: Have you ever completed a full week of work, looked back at the previous five days and say "They're paying me for this?!" That's the kind of week I had. I learned about this much about my job duties, folks. However, I did discover that my employer is probably using what has to be the last dial up internet connection on Earth. I kid you not, people, I haven't seen an internet connection this slow since the first days of the interwebs.

Altogether, though, they really are a good bunch of people and I think I'm going to like it here. Now, on to the good stuff. As I mentioned last week here is another installment of my adventures in the bloody trenches of parenting.

Shortly after putting up the previous post, I received a knock at my door. I checked through the peep hole before opening, on the odd chance that Lou Dobbs was staging a sweep of Santa Ana. Luckily, it was only the neighbors son, otherwise known by my children as the "neighborhood dream boat".

He asked to speak to Danielle, who happened to accompany me to the door. He then asked Danielle if she had seen anyone hanging around his backpack at school because someone had taken $1.50 from it. Without missing a beat, Danielle said she didn't know but would ask her friend Stephanie if she knew anything about it. That pretty much concluded the conversation and he went on his way.

Not one moment after she turned the corner, Kristine was all up in her shiznit...apparently, juvenile delinquency does have some benefits which manifest themselves into an uncanny ability to sniff out any bullshit within a quarter mile....I, on the other hand,was an Eagle Scout.

I followed her lead and unleashed my disapproving father stare of death on Danielle. Within seconds we had a confession from her (Guantanamo ain't got nothin' on us, yo'). I immediately marched Danielle back to the boys' house with an apology and the $1.50 she had taken. This would all be just the tip of the iceberg, though.

Once Danielle and I returned home, I immediately ordered her to grab some chair. I couldn't even begin to describe to her how disappointed I was in her actions. What had I done wrong that would make her thing it was OK to do this kind of thing? Her justification for it was that it was "just a joke" and that she had meant to give him back the money. Yeah, I could smell what she was shoveling too. Anyway, I let Kristine take the reigns on this one as my first reaction was to burn all of her possessions on my BBQ and confine her to her room until I had arranged her enrollment at a nunnery in Rome. Once I calmed down and Kristine had finished bringing half of the heavens down on her, it was my turn. The hardest part of all this was that she hadn't expressed any true indication of remorse for her actions. Part of me chalked it up to the rebelliousness of youth and the preteen years, but a bigger part of me wanted to breath fire and brimstone and make her see the error of her ways. That wouldn't work though, just telling her that stealing was wrong really didn't have the impact we were looking for. It wouldn't really get through that preteen wall of "Duhhhhh" that they all seem to have.

Kristine's solution? Call the police. How's that for hardcore? Well, not that hardcore because the police department advised me to contact her school.

I contacted her school and they directed me to their Assistant Principal. She advised us that the local police really wouldn't come down to the school for $1.50, no matter how awesome of an after-school special this would make. She did, however, offer to speak to Danielle personally and explain the ramifications of committing theft on school property. It was made clear to Danielle that normally she would be suspended for this, but in lieu of having a phone conference with us (her parents) she would suspend the suspension and put the paperwork in Danielle's school record.

Of course this hasn't ended her punishment for this...oh, nooooo sir. I've meted out all kinds of punishment for this infraction, folks. And no, I don't think we went too far at all. It's not like I'll be the parent to co-volunteer at the homeless shelter during the hygiene clinics we'll be sending Danielle to volunteer at (kudos to Kristine for that idea).

We've made it perfectly clear to both of the girls on several occasions that we won't tolerate dishonesty of any kind in our house, so they are well aware of what happens when they are caught.

By the way folks, I'll be finishing the third and final part of my longest post ever, very soon. I think it'll help tie all of these parenting columns together.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Quickies

Happy Friday folks. Who really gets any work done on Friday's anyway? Well, in keeping with the tradition of getting next to nothing done, here's more Internet garbage to keep your clicker finger busy:

Tobey Maguire to produce and star in a live action Robotech movie? I swear to whatever deity is listening that if I see one just one Veritech fighter in a dance montage, I'm killing someone.

Mad Max 4 is set to begin production soon. Director George Miller has been quoted as saying that Mel "fuckin' Jews" Gibson will not be reprising the role that made him a household name. Gee, that's too bad. Isn't there another big Australian star that could fit the role of a gruff, road weary mercenary?

Wanted: Hollywood. Crime: a lack of creativity and independent thought so profound that the next writer that can pen an original story will be accused of witchcraft and burned at the stake.

The video game based film Hitman opens in wide release on November 21st. There's been some rumors that studio exec pussies are looking to remove some of the more violent scenes to avoid an "R" rating and have brought in editor Nicolas DeToth. WHAT THE FUCK, PEOPLE?! The title of the movie is "Hitman" not "Bald guy with a bad attitude"...fuck's sake.

Here's the latest trailer for Hitman. Looks decent, but I'm still on the fence about Olyphant is Agent 47.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Let's see just how deep the rabbit hole goes...



Well, it's been a long two months with no new posts up on The Disco. The only people reading my blog now are spammers and anyone that's done a search for "Amy Winehouse licking Tyler Perry's sphincter". I aim to change all that folks! It's a brand new day under the Disco's bright lights, and I'm cleaning house. I'd also like to ask for input from any readers still stopping by to see what's new. I'm thinking of starting a parenting column relating my day to day experiences being a single parent and answering any parenting questions the blogosphere at large may have. What do you think? Of course I'll still maintain the same oh so hilarious posts you've come to expect from the Lord of the Disco, but I'd like to give something back to the blogging community that made me the white hot blogger star I was (for about 9.2 minutes).

As my regular readers know, I have two daughters ages 12 and 10. My 12 year old had her first school dance (which Kristine and I were foolish enough to volunteer to chaperone) about a month ago with her next one coming up this Friday. Wanna know what it was like chaperoning a dance attended by about 300 preteens? Imagine a herd of cattle jacked up on Mountain Dew & Sour Patch Kids being stuffed into an auditorium after running around a yard all day. Now play some of the shittiest hip hop on today's radio, add two bewildered parents and mix till sweaty and smelly. Now I'm no prude, but if I see another 12 year old girl freaking on another 12 year old girl, I just might tazer someone. As a matter of fact, if I see any boy or girl get within 2 feet of each other, I'm makin' with the pepper spray. Gall derned hormonal douchebags.

And now we're set to do it all over again. "Why, oh Lord of the Disco, wouldst thou invite such torture upon thine noble self?" you may ask.

Shit homey, I'm an awesome parent, that's why.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Once again back is the incredible...

My self imposed moratorium on blog posts is lifted, loyal readers (all two of you). After much hard work, far too many mojito's and a plethora of shitty interviews courtesy of Monster.com, I am back in the saddle, bitches!! I'll put up a full blown post (get your mind outta the gutter, TK) later this week, but in the meantime, ask yourself...

Thursday, August 23, 2007

In a galaxy far, far away...


I'd like to thank everyone that has read and or commented on what's probably the longest post I've ever worked on. Rest assured it's not even close to being done yet, but it seems that life has thrown me another curve ball. I'll be working on part III of the post over the weekend, but I have some other business to attend to that will also require me attention. Wish me luck.


P.S.
Anyone know of some job openings in my area?

Thursday, August 16, 2007

And now, a word from our sponsors...

Still working on Part II of the previous post folks, but in the meantime since some of you lose your shit when I don't bring the funny, here's something to shove in your eye holes. After an exhaustive (about an hour's worth) of research and consulting with various experts (Paint.net) I've reached a startling conclusion...Our most popular celebrities are morphing into the creatures of our worst nightmares (redundant?)! I present to you hard evidence straight from the Hispanic! At the Disco Research Facility...in downtown Santa Ana.

Exhibit A: A sapphic loudmouth (that eats babies)...or baby eating vampire?


Exhibit B: Former King of Pop, current poster child for Clorox skin care products...or soul sucking phantom?


Exhibit C: Songstress with enough Smack and Jack Daniels in her system to take down the defensive line of the Pittsburgh Steelers...or slightly more attractive alien with acid for blood?


Exhibit D: UK singer (has anyone actually heard any of this walking pharmacy's music, anyway?)...or brain eating zombie?!?!?!

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Wherein I wear my e-heart on my e-sleeve Part I & II



Part I

Hey folks, sorry that I have been MIA for a little while now, but my home computer recently crashed and burned and it’s been tough maintaining posts on even my personal blog.

However, I think it’s time that I finally disclosed to you the history regarding my relationship with my ex, and our two daughters. My ex and I got together when I was eighteen. We became serious fairly quickly and it was only a matter of months before she was pregnant with our first child, Danielle (GBP). Obviously, I was in no way prepared for having a child, but was so smitten that I foolishly agreed to plan a child with her. Yeah, it was planned. That was my first mistake. Needless to say, my mother was not very pleased with this, but she did help in whatever way she could. In retrospect I wish she had helped less, as it made it easier to for me to accept the situation when my ex became pregnant two years later with Marissa (Bruiser). How might I have felt if we had been left to our own devices in supporting ourselves and providing our own home for a child? I’m sure I would have thought twice about it. Most likely I would have run screaming from someone that would have a child when only one of us was working and we had yet to get our own place. In any event, we were thrust into parenthood, two teenagers blissfully unaware of the hardships and obstacles you place in front of yourself by becoming a young parent. To top it off, we rushed into marriage a few months before our second child Marissa was born. For me it was more out of a sense of guilt and pressure from our parents than any starry eyed vision of the legitimization of our relationship.

Within the span of two years I had gone from High School graduate, to father, to husband and provider. What was I to do? Wasn’t this what you’re supposed to do when you have kids with someone? I think “supposed to do” and “supposed to be like” were the mottos I lived my so called life by in those days. I trudged along, working a dead end full time job to meet my obligations with no hope of furthering my education or my development as a person. I accepted my lot in life, never even revealing to my then wife the thoughts that I had of becoming something more than I was, and how I resented her for being content with this life. I think I resented a lot in those days: I resented her for making me feel like she was comparing me to her father –“Mr. I Can Fix Anything”, I resented her for not working and complaining we didn’t have enough money, I even began to resent my father for not being around to teach me how to fix things: was I less of a man because I didn’t know how to tune up a car of fix a dryer? How much of life had I missed out by getting myself into this? That was a crushing thought. Somehow though, my ex seemed strangely at peace with her role in all of this. I suppose that having grown up in a broken home and having had to take care of her siblings had planted the seed in her mind that this is what little girls grow up to be: a woman whose sole purpose is the rearing of children, regardless of what she wants for herself while her husband toils away at a dead end job to bring home a paycheck.

Much of the resentment I felt manifested itself in my daily behavior: lack of interest in helping her father with odd jobs around his house, spending more time at work and less at home, the inability to face the responsibilities of being a parent. I should have communicated how I felt, but I think deep down I knew it would fall on deaf ears. Suffice to say, these warring emotions and the immaturity brought on by my age resulted in one thing: I was a shitty husband. There’s a feeling of a burden being lifted in being able to freely admit that, now that I can look back on it objectively and through the eyes of my own experiences and maturity. In any event, the marriage was seemingly set to self destruct mode from the very beginning. The relationship got worse and worse, culminating in no small amount of infidelity on her part with someone she had met during her brief stint as an employee at a makeup counter at local mall that resulted in a terminated pregnancy that she admitted to me, and then a child. He also had a wife and two children at home.

I’m a very patient person, but this was something that I could not and would not put up with. Even after attempting couples counseling (prior to the second pregnancy) at my request (of which she only attended one session and I continued to see the therapist for my own sake); she seemed to not care whether the relationship could be salvaged. We even tried a “roommate” situation, where she did her thing and I did my own, but I found I could live like that only so long. It did frustrate me when on “her” weekends, the girls would wake up to no knowledge of where their mother was—only to have her return later on that afternoon.

The last straw was when she admitted to being pregnant with his child again. At that point, I’d still thought we were “trying” to work things out. I knew only one way to deal with this: I moved out. Let me preface this by saying that despite all that was going on, I loved my daughters with all of my heart and the one of the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life was to leave that house knowing that I would not be there to see them every day, to kiss them goodbye in the morning, and to tuck them in at night. It was like tearing out two pieces of my heart and leaving them behind. It was one of the few times in my life that my daughters have seen me cry. If you can show me someone that can look their children straight in the eye and tell them that they are leaving the house and not cry, I can show you someone that probably has no business seeing them in the first place.


I moved back in with my mother, brother and my mother’s partner at their house in Buena Park, CA, and thus began my tenure as a weekend parent. I saw the girls on weekends and alternating holidays. Any single parent will be familiar with the pro forma visitation schedule: pick them up after work, keep them for the weekend, and bring them back Sunday evening. Wash, rinse, repeat. What some of those single parents may not tell you is how god damned fucking horrible it is to watch your kids cry because they don’t want you to leave, watching the tears well up in their eyes as if they’d never see you again and the “daddypleasedon’togoiwannastaywithyouwhydoyouhavetogo”…If I ever go to Hell, I’m sure I’ll be made to relive that particular memory for an eternity. As hard as it was to leave the house, nothing could prepare me for that weekly heartbreak and the 45 minute drive home with only my thoughts and the image of their tear-filled, red rimmed eyes replaying in my mind. I missed them terribly when they were not there, but at the same time dreaded Sunday nights as I packed their things and got ready for the drive. The pain got lesser and lesser as the weeks, months and eventually years went by and we became use to the routine. Being that I was the weekend parent now, I was no longer there to play with them daily, watch them grow, or be there for them when they got hurt. I did talk to them at night on the phone, usually about two to three times a week (more if I wasn’t working late) but it was obviously a poor substitute for being there, and having to answer the question of “When are you coming home, daddy?” was like having my heart ripped out of my chest and tossed onto a freeway. Nightly. Try and explain to a 6 year old that you don’t live with her and her sister anymore because mom cheated on you. On second thought, don’t unless you want to screw your kid up even more. My answer to them was something along the lines of “It’s something I had to do, and it’s something you wouldn’t understand right now. It’s not your fault, ok?” As I said before, for them it got a bit easier as time went on, although for a while the tears turned into attitude and I had to turn on the stern father voice to get Marissa out of the car on occasion. For me, my one constant was the inability to make eye contact with their mother for very long without that white hot ball of hostility and anger flaring up inside of me and clouding my thoughts. This too, passed, although I can still feel it rolling around inside of me to this day.

Well, the months passed and we all acclimated to the situation and I found out something that I may have forgotten in all the animosity and name calling: I’m a damn good father. While other single dads may have been content to ask someone to watch their kids while they ran errands, I took the girls with me wherever I went: the mall, the market, friends houses…you name it. If I was invited somewhere, I made sure I was able to bring them with me. I played with them, read to and with them, helped with homework, took them to parks, and made sure they knew they were loved every day they were with me, even when they weren’t. In actuality, they fact that they were not with me during the week allowed me time do something I hadn’t had the time to even consider prior to all this: I rediscovered myself. I was finally able to sit back, take stock of myself, and actually enjoy life. As selfish as this may sound, I was grateful for the time I had away from them as it afforded me the time to decompress and focus on things that were not necessarily more important, but important in a different way. Things like actually finishing my education, taking a different career path, getting back into the social arena of dating, and reconnecting with old friends seemed possible now. In fact, I can remember a conversation I had with their mother one day when I was taking my daughters and my nephew out to lunch: I had received a call on my cell phone from her as I was at a drive thru window. Apparently her and her boyfriend had gotten into some kind of argument and he asked that she call me (why, I can’t seem to remember), but after realization the inappropriateness of carrying this conversation on in front of the kids and that this was really a pointless and insane conversation anyway, I actually thanked him for taking her off of my hands*.



Part two on Friday

*To clarify, the kids didn’t know who I was talking to as they were in the back seat playing with their cousin and a large portion of the conversation was me listening to her boyfriend prattle on about something ridiculous.

Part II

Sorry for the delay folks, but I was out of town this weekend and I wanted to polish this up before posting this. So...

Fast forward about 1 year. My mother confides in my brother and me that she had been diagnosed with breast cancer some time ago but she was, and would continue to, actively pursuing treatment. So, this was quite a lot to digest within the span of 1 year after moving back in to her house. I know now that she didn’t hold out much hope for her own survival after looking back: the expensive family trip to our hometown of New York that she knew my brother and I could never afford, making sure my brother and I tied up any of our smaller financial loose ends, and just making sure our lives were generally in order. After she passed, it was left to me, my brother, and my mom’s partner to take care of the house and ourselves. It’s funny how even a houseful of people can seem empty at times. It was months of just going through the motions, watching the loss eat away at Liz, and wondering how long we could keep this up.

The loss of my mother was especially hard on her partner, Liz. As far as I know, my mother had been her only significant relationship. I know she must have felt lost, and incredibly alone. Not too long after my mother died, pictures of my mother that were once featured prominently around the house began to disappear. A handmade pillow with my mother’s photo on it vanished. I discovered later that all her old things had been packed away and put in a storage box in the garage. I couldn’t help but harbor not too a little resentment towards her for this. This was my mother, and to me it seemed like she was trying to forget she ever existed. A few months after that, issues of finances began to drive a wedge between everyone. It became commonplace for my brother and I to avoid Liz completely simply because it became too difficult to even carry a conversation knowing that the slightest thing could set her off. Eventually my brother moved out and into his now wife’s mother’s home. Now how the hell did I get stuck living in a house where I felt like a visitor? A sense of loyalty to the person that had been the only other real parent I had ever known, I suppose. But even that would only last so long. As time passed she made it known to me that it was becoming an impossibility to maintain the house with only her income and the meager contributions I could make after paying my own bills and support for the girls. So it was that in the month of August of 2004 that I moved out and moved in to a two bedroom apartment with my friend Torre and his girlfriend at the time, Michelline.

It wasn’t the ideal solution, moving in with Torre and Mish, but it was the only option I had at the time. I certainly couldn’t afford rent on my own, and they needed help as well. It was a draw-win situation, I suppose. They got help with bills and rent, and I did have my own room, but I had to share that room with two growing girls every weekend. They knew I had kids, but I couldn’t help but feel like I was imposing on them every time the girls came over. Things went as well as they could: I was eking out a meager living as a sales rep in the sales pit at a somewhat shady company. My income was just enough to meet my support obligations, pay the bills (usually) and have a few dollars left over if I felt like splurging on a burger at AM/PM, unless my roommates took pity on me and paid my way to a club or bought a couple of rounds at a bar. Yeah, it was just as depressing as it sounds. This was another point in my life where I was existing simply to continue my existence. I was working another dead end job at another dead end company, but oddly enough there was no end in sight.


At least during the time that I lived at my mother’s house, I could entertain the thought of having a social life: I had some extra income, a house that I often times had to myself, and definitely a more positive outlook on life. Now, it was a struggle simply to keep my head above water with a fluctuating income, the cost of feeding two extra mouths, and an increasingly negative outlook on life. I can’t even recall the actual number of times I had to forego eating in order to make sure that there was enough food to provide for my daughters when they were with me. In fact, on more than one occasion, I had to inform their mother that I could not in good conscience bring them over simply because I had nothing to feed them. I don’t know if there is a worse feeling for a parent to have than the uncertainty of not knowing how you were going to feed your children.

Now it was around exactly the time that Mish moved out that I had begun to date Kristine. I decided to chance a date with her after scraping together some extra cash, and having some extremely stimulating phone conversations with her after meeting online. I held no real hope for a long term relationship, though. As a matter of fact, I had actually made mention of this to her after one of our dates. In hindsight, this was probably not the smartest move for me to make considering I hadn’t gotten any action in…well, a while. Strangely enough, she decided to continue seeing me even after my admission that I had no intentions of having a girlfriend as I didn’t feel I had anything real to contribute to a relationship. As the days went by and we spent more and more time together, things began to change. Simply being around her made me more confident: she laughed at my jokes, she encouraged what few dreams I still clung to, and she made me comfortable with just being myself. I realize now that she was everything I had ever wanted to find in a person to share myself with.

Of course, this all begged the question of how I would introduce Kristine to the girls. I had never before allowed them to interact with anyone I had dated before, simply because I knew that none of the prior relationships had any chance of becoming anything serious, and it wouldn’t be healthy for them to see me with a different girl every time. They were still too young to understand, and still held on to some hope that their mother and I would reconcile. However, I knew that my relationship with Kristine was special, and I wanted her to be in my life, and that meant bringing these two worlds together.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Once again back is the incredible...

Hey folks, sorry for the lack of posts. My computer recently went down in a ball of fire, so it's gonna take a few days for it to get cleaned up and back in working order. I'm posting this from a loner computer for now.


A day in the life of my brain.

Oh God, I’m still alive. Oh well, shower.

What’s he doing? Staring at the soap? Does he think the soap is going to magically appear in his hand??

*blog*

What was that?? My God how long have we been in the shower? 15 minutes?? FUCK!

Ok, wake up, wake up. Come on, big guy, gotta get to work. Thaaaat’s it, brush the teeth. You could peel paint with your breath, geeeezus. Ah, much better.

Christ, did a raccoon die on your head? Get a haircut dammit! Thank God you bought two gallons of hair gel. And spackle.

*blog*

What the fuck was that??? Who’s in here??

Oooooh, shiny. Focus! Time to get to work.

Mmmmkay, now we get to sit here for 10 minutes and wait for the computer to boot up. Let’s go pee.

*blog*

Ok!!! I swear to fucking Christ whoever is in here is gonna get a cerebellum whoopin’ if they don’t show themselves.

Hey, guy in the stall, are you giving birth in there? Great Caesar’s ghost, sounds like you just dropped a ham in the bowl.

Wash the hands, get a paper…FUCK! Do the facilities people HAVE to cram as many paper towels in here as possible?? SHIT! We can’t even get a whole towel out! Great, maybe if we keep tearing off pieces we can wad them up into a ball and dry our hands...jackholes.

Oh God, it’s him again. Somebody tell him he looks like a pedophile. Back to work.

Good job Manny, you lasted a whole 5 minutes before getting on Pajiba!!

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...Huh? Wha? Sorry, you bored me for a minute there. Anything happen while I was out? Nothing? Big surprise.

Lindsay Lohan is in rehab…again. I’d still Google her Yahoo.

Alright, time to get some work done.

*blog*

Arrrrrgh! Is Wayne Brainy gonna have to choke a lobe?

Pajiba again?! It’s been 45 seconds, retard!

Fucking firewalls. Since when where pictures of Hayden Panettiere in a thong “distasteful”? Oh, must be that whole “minor” thing. Prudes.

I how long it’ll take for my boss to notice if we fall asleep in one of the bathroom stalls?

Hey, stop tossing your pen in the air it’s gonna….OW! See?? No one listens to me.

We really should try to get some work done today. Ooooh, shiny.

Holy crap, look at that bald spot on the CEO’s head….WOW. I could land a Cessna on that. Dude, just Bic it man. EVERYBODY can see it; I don’t care how tall you are. Oh, and I can knit a hammock from your nose hairs, man. One word: TWEEZERS!!

Monday, August 6, 2007

I should totally have my own dating game show. Part II.


Here's the complete exchange regarding the dating issue my Blogger Friend is facing. Reprinted with her permission, and only the names of the innocent have been changed.
This all started with me asking her to check out a post I was preparing for Offsprung.

Me: I'll flesh it out some more before I go home. Speaking of flesh...how's the online dating going? See what I did there? That's called a segue

Blogger friend: It's blah

I think I'm not attracting the right people.

Me: So you're saying you and Peter whatshisface didn't work out? I find that hard to believe, you had such great chemistry. And by "chemistry", I mean he had a chemical imbalance that only your sweet lovin' could cure. Speaking of sweet lovin' (King Segue, they called me), any news on the (friend she likes) front?

Blogger friend: No news. Haven't even talked to him in the past few days, but probably will go see The Bourne Ultimatum with him this weekend. We both love those movies.

I'd take him in a red hot second if I could. But I just can't make the first move. I've already tried and there's no response! So...

Me: Um, hellooooo. Ever heard of booze, (friend)? Sheesh, do I gotta do everything? Alright, here's the plan:

Now here's where I stepped in, as you all read before.

You have (friend) pick you up for the movie at your place. This already sets the date "mood" seeing as how this follows the traditional formula of a guy picking up his date. Wear something slightly revealing, but in a "you gotta work for this, buddy. Kinda" way. Laugh at his jokes, and playfully hitting his arm and saying things like "(Friend she likes)! You're soooo droll, you simply HAVE to visit my summer home". After the film, feign a bit of a chill and slide your arm under his as you walk outside. Never mind if it's 80 degrees out, just pass it off as poor blood circulation. When you get back to your house, offer him a glass of the wine you purchased before he came over. If at all possible, slip some GHB into the wine or simply give him enough wine to make him pass out. Now, here is where we kick things into high gear. While he is passed out, place kiss marks in strategic locations on his person. You might even want to go so far as to place a pair of your "unmentionables" in his pants pocket, to be found later. Be sure you are next to him when he wakes up, wearing something that you could have conceivably put on after a night of vigorous "horizontal mambo-ing".



Now, you're probably wondering, "Manny, I know you're a genius and I'm probably just not capable of comprehending the level of smartness that comes from you, but why go through all this trouble?" The answer is simple. Once he's convinced that he's already shellacked you with his love paint, getting him to actually make a move the next time you go out will be all the easier since he will already believe he's Googled your Yahoo.

Blogger friend: I feel like this is fucking blog worthy.

Which, in my world is like, the highest praise ever. I LOVE this. It's genius AND it's funny.

Me: I'll call it Funius.

Blogger friend: I would seriously put it on the blog, BUT it's about (friend).

However, I wasn't holding out a lot of hope for this witty banter guy on OkCupid, but he's warmed up some and I kinda like him.

Me: (Blogger Friend) and witty banter guy, sittin' in a tree, b-l-o-g-g...i-n-g. So what does he do for a living besides setting your loins on fire?

Blogger friend: No idea!

LOL!

I just went and looked.

He's a student but he graduates soon.

Me: Oooh, that's slippery ground. That means lots of nights at your place or his. But it could force him to be very creative with the date options. Unless he has a trust fund, then you're in luck.

Blogger friend: We'll see. I haven't even MET him yet. JESUS CHRIST, Manny!

Me: I'm just thinking ahead, my dear. You'll thank me you when he calls you and tells you about the date he has planned where you collect pine cones all day and talk about your feelings. Meanwhile, you haven't seen the inside of a restaurant that doesn't have a kids menu in X number of years. Take the journey with me, (blogger friend).

Blogger friend: LOL

I have, actually, been to a nice restaurant, but doing anything in the bedroom? It's in short supply 'round here, sir. SHORT SUPPLY!

Me: There you go! If he asks you out and during the date is obviously trying to impress you with his use of the word "conflate", just look him dead in the eye and tell him "I'm not wearing panties". If he does nothing in the first 2.5 seconds, he's done.

So would you go on a date if he asked you? Would you opt for the safer "Coffee Date", or the more intimate "Dinner and a movie, possibly my panties" date?

Blogger friend: oh def the latter. Hehehe

Me: Whoa! Check out the big balls on (friend)! Woohoooo. I think there is hope for this after all. So when do you think he'll pop the question, so to speak?

Blogger friend: I give him another 4 days. Otherwise, he's toast! I'm not hanging around for the witty banter by itself!

Me: Grrrrrr! You tell em!

Thursday, August 2, 2007

I should totally have my own dating game show.



Here is a sample of some dating advice I recently gave a friend of mine that's carrying a torch for a guy that has yet to make a move. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent. Everything else, however, is fair game.


You have (potential boyfriend) pick you up for the movie at your place. This already sets the date "mood" seeing as how this follows the traditional formula of a guy picking up his date. Wear something slightly revealing, but in a "you gotta work for this, buddy...kinda" way. Laugh at his jokes, playfully hitting his arm and saying things like "(Potential boyfriend)! You're soooo droll; you simply HAVE to visit my summer home". After the film, fake a bit of a chill and slide your arm under his as you walk outside. Never mind if it's 80 degrees out, just pass it off as poor blood circulation.

When you get back to your house, offer him a glass of the wine you purchased before he came over. If at all possible, slip some GHB into the wine or simply give him enough wine to make him pass out. Now, here is where we kick things into high gear. While he is passed out, place kiss marks in strategic locations on his person. You might even want to go so far as to place a pair of your "unmentionables" in his pants pocket, to be found later. Be sure you are next to him when he wakes up, wearing something that you could have conceivably put on after a night of vigorous "horizontal mambo-ing".

Now, you're probably wondering, "Manny, I know you're a genius and I'm probably just not capable of comprehending the level of smartness that comes from you, but why go through all this trouble?" The answer is simple. Once he's convinced that he's already shellacked you with his love paint, getting him to actually make a move the next time you go out will be all the easier since he will already believe he's Googled your Yahoo.


She is so totally gonna get laid. I'm a miracle worker, people. It's what I do.

Friday, July 27, 2007

God damned kids these days...

Is this what it's gonna take to get it through their skulls that being a "balla" is a bunch of horseshit? So be it...

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Loltards!

And now for another in a weekly series from yours truly!!* I present to you...Loltards!


*Meaning I will almost positively probably never do this again. Maybe.

Monday, July 16, 2007

You're seriously harshing my mellow, man.



Sorry for the lack of posts with any real susbtance, folks. Works been busier than usual, and the Offsprung and Quizlaw duties aren't leaving much time. I promise to put something more substantive up in the next couple of days.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Hey there vagina



From 106.7 KROQ's producer Psycho Mike. Thank God, cuz' the original was getting on my last damned nerve.

Thursday, July 5, 2007

Anyone seen my glowsticks?



If you live in the Los Angeles area, this is a film I think is worth checking out. It's playing at the Sunset Laemlee 5 Theatre on July 6th at 9:30 P.M. and July 10th at 12:30 P.M.*

Synopsis
Drawing upon a variety of documentary filmmaking techniques, Rolling breaks new ground by creating a unique faux documentary. Utilizing the form of a docudrama, cinema verite style footage entwines with personal testimonials rendering a fictional chronicle, which captures the appeal of the drug Ecstasy. The film follows a diverse group of users as they cross paths in Los Angeles. At its core, Rolling is an investigation into a generation's drug of choice. It is a dramatized expose of the current state of a cultural phenomenon that has grown tremendously over the past two decades. Rolling simultaneously authenticates a specifically twisted consciousness while relating to a broad audience with an eye for detail and human behavior. The film uses a variety of formats (35mm, super 16mm and DV) giving it an unusual texture while maintaining an overall gritty and realistic tone. In doing so, the filmmakers have carefully constructed a new style that hopes to stimulate discussion while regaling the senses. It provides the viewer direct access to the roller coaster of incidents that often occur to an Ecstasy user. Rolling is an engrossing, provocative, and poignant cinematic manifestation of the journey one has while on the drug. It is a bold and visceral experience that brings to light one of the most prolific drug phenomena of our time.

*The author of this blog does not condone, promote, or justify the use of ecstacy or any other illicit drugs.**

**But that one time in L.A with all my cousins and a buncha random women...HOLY CRAP MAN! That was fucking awesome!

Monday, July 2, 2007

Wanted, dead or alive...

$3440.00The Cadaver Calculator - Find out how much your body is worth

Mingle2 - Online Dating



Thank God it didn't ask if I'd ever done "non prescription" medications...I'd probably be lucky to have enough to get a value meal.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Guess who's bizzack!!

I know, I know. You're starved for attention. Or is that the other way around? Oh well. Sorry about the long absence folks, works been a real beeyawtch, my daughters are on summer break now, and my work just blocked access to blogger at work so I actually have to work at work now. What the fuck?! How the hell am I supposed to placate you, my adoring public, with new and hilarious posts if I can't do it at work? I'll be posting during the evening now, so please inform your spouses, life partners, enablers, etc. that you'll be otherwise indisposed between the hours of 5 P.M. until The Lord of the Disco dismisses you. For this dose of Disco, a remix of the video that made me an Internet sensation overnight:
It Raining Men

Add to My Profile | More Videos

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

A wise man once said...

One Ring to rule them all,
One Ring to find them,
One Ring to bring them all
and in the darkness bind them.


I thought I'd give you all a peek at the ring similar to the one I presented to the now Mrs. Disco. For those of you not yet in the know, I proposed to her May 27th, during an intimate (get your mind out of the gutter, TK) moment. This marked a great day in my life, as we are in the process of planning our wedding. We've gone through a few permutations on the idea, and now we're leaning toward a local affair at our church with a live band and catered by In n' Out. Seriously. If any of my readers that haven't jumped ship due to my lack of posts lately have any ideas, please feel free to offer them.

As a side note, just a few things that I sacrificed to afford The One Ring:

An X-Box 360, a PS3, with extra controllers
100 lap dances at Cap'n Creams
A new flat screen TV

I'm just sayin'.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Take The Disco with you!


Hey folks, you can now get the official unoffical Hispanic! At the Disco T-shirts. Several sizes are available, from Small to 2XL, only one color (Olive Green) available at the moment. It's 100% cotton and made by the tender loving care. Just wearing the shirt actually increases male muscle mass by 25% and increases female bra size by 2 cups. I could be lying about that, but you'll have to buy one to prove me wrong. It's designed by the fine folks at Ripple Junction and available at the usual screen T hot spot (here's a hint: If you have more piercings than you have body cavities, you'd have no problem getting a job there).

Now you have a valid reason for that smug look on your face. Feel free to bitch slap anyone that has the nerve to ask you what your t-shirt "means".

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Danger, Will Robinson, Danger!

I loves me some technology folks. I've got a PS2, PSP, DVD, VHS(shut up), an IPod, you name it. My youngest even got a RoboRaptor for Christmas (althought the damn thing is now collecting dust and giving me the hairy eyeball whenever I walk in the room). But the folks over at WowWee have crossed the line. I truly believe that the RoboPanda is the next step towards bringing SkyNet online...


And THIS just freaks me the fuck out!

*Thanks to G. Xavier for the tip.

Monday, June 11, 2007

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

Manny and the Brain


Hey guys and gals sorry I've been out of commission for a bit, things have been hectic. I just got word that my column at Offsprung can now be found on the regular blog roll on their home page as a regular contributor!!!! Also, I'll be contributing to Quizlaw during my dubious free time.


One step closer to total world domination, mother-effers.


In lieu of a full blown post (which I'll put up tomorrow) here is what's making me laugh/cry:

Hispanic! At the Disco on Offsprung...for reals!
-----------------------------
Jenna Elfman schools some punk bitches!
-----------------------------
Woman cathces fire while praying at church.....sometimes this shit writes itself, folks.
-----------------------------
If I've learned one thing from blogging, it's never, EVER practice archery in your own home.- Fark.Com

Thursday, May 31, 2007

Makes me wanna sing



With the permission of the Bunkum Brothers I'm posting lyrics to a song of theirs that I find particularly fitting these days in light of recent events that have stirred our fine media into a frenzy.....and cuz I wanna drive some goddamn traffic my way. Without further delay, the lyrics to "Dear Lindsay Lohan" by the Bunkem Brothers.

Dear Lindsay Lohan

(m. carter)

Lindsay Lohan, where do you think you're goin' now?
You drink and you dance, you got ants in your pants so I'm told
But I'm afraid to say that, honey, someday you'll grow old

Paris Hilton, have you ever read John Milton, girl?
He wrote Paradise Lost in which Satan gets tossed down to Hell
And it occurs to me that it's a story you know well

Twins of Olsen, you were such sweet and wholesome girls
You succeeded so young, living two lives in one, now you've grown
But if you do the math that means you're older than Sharon Stone

Ashlee Simpson, don't come undone my friend
Sure your sister is hot and we all know you're not so you're blue
But the sands of time will make her ugly just like you

Lindsay Lohan, sweetie, what do you think you're showin' us?
With a click and a flash they always cause you to crash, what a world
But someday soon they'll be chasing a younger girl

Lindsay, baby, you know you're gonna get old

Feel free to stop by their site, where you can actually hear each of the songs on their new CD "Love Songs", including my personal favorite, "Excuse Me Miss".

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Quickies


I love me some hot wings, but this guy has a problem.

You know, any thing that ends with a metal spike in your ass is never good....but it sure is funny.

The Department of Evil wants you....dead. The Onion

My money's on Elmer Fudd. Orange County Register

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Attack of the Clone

I have new post up over at Offsprung. I'll be out of commission for a while as I'll be meeting some friends, trying not to be killed in my sleep by a houseguest, and running my debit card into the ground.

Hispanic! At The Disco on Offsprung

Also, let me know if you like the new layout here at the original Disco.

Blind date? No, it's just Catarax


Orange County Register

"Senior dating is finally getting its due attention. The AARP now has a page in its magazine devoted to senior dating issues. And currently, a TV network is considering a 13-part series about senior dating."

Um, Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

Look, no one wants to see a show about old people dating. It's saddening enough staring down the barrel of my own age without having to watch two even older people swap stories about Geritol and bed sores. I am perfectly content with the image of old people as dispenser of wisdom and checks for $20 on my birthday. I don't need them "humanized".

I mean, really, the only reason people are gonna watch this show is to see if one of them breaks a hip riding the mechanical bull at Coyote Ugly. That, or they'll force the fogies to go on an "extreme" date that involves sky diving or rock climbing, just to prove how "active" these fossils are, resulting in a coronary mid jump and the subsequent snap, crackle, pop on colliision.

I say, let them remain as they are: Repositories of ancient wisdom, funny anecdotes about Roosevelt, and days spent mowing down Nazi troops.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Offsprung part Deux


Hey folks, apparently their was a problem with Offsprungs site yesterday so the link I posted for my second post was broken. I know, I know, you were heartbroken. But it's fixed now! Rejoice, my vassals! Now go forth and clicketh the linketh and bestow some love upon my codpiece.

Hispanic!At the Disco on Offsprung

Monday, May 21, 2007

Offsprung


Behold, lovers of all things Disco, I hath gone forth and mulitplied. I have begun posting over at Offsprung, so please feel free to neglect your jobs, family, and whatever deity you worship to head on over there and leave some comments for the Lord of the Disco:

Hispanic! at the Disco on Offsprung

God it up, people.



Explosm

Sunday, May 20, 2007

To the death? No.....to the pain.


Sorry for the delay in a new post folks. It was a busy weekend at The Disco: Friday night was spent planning for a visit from a few friends coming to town this week. Closing ceremonies for my daughters' softball teams were on Saturday, and as part of an ongoing effort to plumb the depths of my non-existent tolerance for pain, I made an appointment to get a tattoo. That's right bitches! The Lord of the Disco got inked up! Who needs to got to prison for one when you can remain part of society and pay an ex con to shove ink under your skin by poking your skin several thousand times with an electric needle?! Thanks to the good folks over at English Ink, I can now feel that much more "street" when I'm shopping at Target.

I'm sure no one wants to hear about my weeekend, so I'll get write down to the nitty gritty. Here is the picture of my first tattoo. The gems in the crown are the birthstone of Mrs. Disco. Hopefully this buys me at least 2 hours of uninterrupted time with my PS2. If not, them I'm covering it up with a giant mushroom.

Also, I will be posting the first of two posts over at Offsprung later this evening so feel free to check it out tomorrow morning. The good folks over there have been kind enough to let me contribute some of the vast (but mostly useless) parenting knowledge that I have rolling around in my head.....I weep for our children.

Editor's note: My girlfriend got a matching tattoo with my birthstones on her lower back the day before. And I don't mean in bed, Hay-o!

Editor's note to editor's note: I'm an editor!

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

One step closer to a "Pre-Crime" unit


News.com

Gonzales proposes new crime: 'Attempted' copyright infringement

Posted by Declan McCullagh
Attorney General Alberto Gonzales is pressing the U.S. Congress to enact a sweeping intellectual-property bill that would increase criminal penalties for copyright infringement, including "attempts" to commit piracy.

"To meet the global challenges of IP crime, our criminal laws must be kept updated," Gonzales said during a speech before the U.S. Chamber of Commerce in Washington on Monday.

The Bush administration is throwing its support behind a proposal called the Intellectual Property Protection Act of 2007, which is likely to receive the enthusiastic support of the movie and music industries, and would represent the most dramatic rewrite of copyright law since a 2005 measure dealing with prerelease piracy.

Here are some of the bullets on this bit of Big Brother Legislation:

Criminalize "attempting" to infringe copyright
-Don't even think about burning that new Nine Inch Nails album...Oh, you did think about it? Turn around sir and face the vehicle, hands behind your back.

Create a new crime of life imprisonment for using pirated software-
-Because any accountant using a burned copy of "Turbo Tax" should have his testicles fed to him.

Require Homeland Security to alert the Recording Industry Association of America
-Hey, Sony? Yeah, we got those copies of Spider Man 3 off the street, your kids are safe now.

Allow computers to be seized more readily
-Terrorists? What terrorists?! We've gotta get those God damned bloggers behind bars....fucking free speech my ass.

I was going to keep this short because according to E-Blogger, we bloggers have the attention spans of gnats on speed, but oh well, it's my blog and I can bitch if I want to. All kidding aside,I can understand the film and music bigwigs trying to protect their interests, but in this digital age it's kind of like the movie and film industry are the old couple that still keeps their money under the mattress. I know that duplicating copywrigthed material without permission is against the law, and I don't condone it. I don't buy burned movies, or illegally download music. Honestly. I even explained to my kids how buying burned movies financially hurts the ones who made it, and is just plain illegal. But this? This bit of despotic legislation smacks of a smoke screen to further dismantle our right to privacy. We have to draw the line, people. Politicians are public servants, and we too often forget that. They serve at our whim, and our tax dollars pay their salaries.

What's next? Is Tom Cruise going to come crashing through my window the next time I think about kicking my neigbors teeth in because their fucking Pomeranian won't stop barking at every thing that passes by?

It also seems more than a bit convenient that this comes when Alberto Gonzalez is at the front the scandal concerning the firing of District Attorneys.....Slipping this legislation through while everyone is looking in the other direction?.....Well played, Al.

I'd like to open this up to discussion for anyone that would like to.

Monday, May 14, 2007

Step-Mother's Day


It took me a while to organize my thoughts, but here they are. In the mad rush for flowers, cards, gifts and a blur of brunch time get together on this Mother's Day, there is one particular person that I think gets forgotten or not as rewarded all too often: the Stepmother.

If being a parent is often times a thankless job, then being a step parent is thankless 24/7. Not only are you considered an outsider by some, often there is sense of complete alienation from the inner circle of parenting. The children weren't born to you, were not raised from infancy by you, and your first introduction to them often comes at a time of great loss and you become an object of hostility and disrespect.

I would like to take use this forum to express my deepest thanks and affection for those brave enough to take upon themselves the mantle of Step-Parent. You have entered onto a field of warring emotions, where there is no clear victor. You put aside your own happiness in consideration of the greater good and give of yourself more than any other.

Thank you Kristine for being the mother I wish my daughters had from the very beginning. The love, kindness, generosity, and self sacrifice you have shown my daughters is nothing short of heroic. I don't know if I can ever thank you enough for being there for us when we needed you most, and being my strength when I had none left, but I will die trying. You have left your mark on all of us, and we are all the better for it.

Friday, May 11, 2007

My resume's bigger than yours

TK is sharing some of his mind altering work history after being inspired by Litelysalted's tales of Bitches and deli-meats. So in honour of TK's thumbs and Litely's dignity, I'm sharing some of my own colorful past in the workforce.

1993-1995 Journeys Shoes - I started there as an ROP (Regional Occupation Program) student and was hired part time for summer.

Upside - Actually not a bad job for a high school kid. Discounts on brand name shoes, worked in the mall, got to talk to the fly honeys at San Francisco Cookie Shop all day.

Downside - My boss, Sharon, was a hardcore vegetarian and the smell from her bowel movements could peel the paint off of a Sherman tank. Her ex was a creep to the Nth degree and thought walking around with an Indian Spirit stick or whateverthehellitwas was cool.

2003-2004 - Prudent Choice - I got suckered into working their by my ex roommate. It was in an office building in Irvine, and ran by a fast talking midget from NY. No, not Chez. My first clue should have been that all the office equipment was second hand. The second clue was my first check bouncing. I spent my days conning people into buying into a medical discount program that offered little to no savings and was only accepted by witch doctors in Papua New Guinea . I had no medical benefits, worked weekends, and my co workers were often ex cons and washed up rock groupies with less teeth than Amy Winehouse. What can I say, I was in a weird place in my life.

P.S. I forgot to mention that their sales training sessions included reading sales scripts that took lines DIRECTLY from Boiler Room. I shit you not.

As you can see, I was spared the manual labor jobs TK excelled at, and the retail food chains Litely loves soooo much. But if not for them, who's backs would I stand on to climb the ladder of success?

Thursday, May 10, 2007

I've said it before, I'll say it again....


Tyler Perry must be stopped

WorstPreviews.com
Get ready for Janet Jackson as you've never seen her before. So says Tyler Perry, who has Jackson starring along with himself, songstress Jill Scott and Sharon Leal (Dreamgirls) in his forthcoming "Why Did I Get Married?" feature.

"She's playing a college professor — actually, an author and professor of psychology," Perry reports. He is quick to add that Jackson "absolutely" has the chops to pull off the part convincingly. "I can't wait for people to see her like this."

You see that picture at the top of the post? THAT'S Tyler Perry, in drag. Cuz apparently the only way to get people to his plays is the prospect of watching a black man with prosthetic boobs jump around on stage waiving a 9mm.

For fucks sake, people, stop giving this man your money. I'm gonna give you a second to read the link at the top of this post to get a feel for this........done? Good.
The only way this movie should be released is as a lure to get Tyler Perry, his production company, and Southern Baptists in a theatre laced with demolition charges. You hear that TP? You're days are numbered, fuck-o.

Oh, and Janet Jackson playing an author and professor of psychology? I guess she must have gotten her chops playing hard hitting Oscar worthy roles in Nutty Professor II and Poetic Justice......where's my Maalox?

Cthulhu F'thagn! (at least I THINK that's what they said)


PORT MORESBY (Reuters) - Riot police have been sent to a remote mountainous village in Papua New Guinea after a gun battle between police and members of a cult involved in human sacrifices, local media reported Wednesday.

The National newspaper said several people were killed and many injured in the fighting last week in the Finschhafen area of Morobe province, 350 km (220 miles) north of the capital, Port Moresby.

Now, far be it from me to deny anyone religious freedom. Lord knows I had to spill more than my share of goats blood for the chiseled palace that is my body, but you gotta draw the line somewhere.

When your deity asks you to kill sacrifice an innocent person simply to prove your faith, I think that's when you say "Um, couldn't I just, like, say a few prayers? Maybe burn some incense? How about an orgy? Those are always fun, right?"

"If it's all the same to you, I'm gonna go see what the Buddhist temple down the street is doin', k?"