Saturday, December 15, 2007

Brookstoned is the way of the walk

This holiday season, nothing says "I have no clue what you like, so, yeah. Here's something that requires 15 D Cell batteries and an extension cord", quite like a gift from the Brookstone catalog.

"Oh Manny, what do I give to that person that'll let them know exactly how I feel about them? Can you help me?"

Of course, you cotton-headed ninny-muggins! Here's some handy gift ideas and what each gift says about your so called "friends" (who are probably too wrapped in things like their kids, parents, siblings, blah, blah, fucking blah):

"Hey Fatty! How about stepping out of the line at Fatburger and stepping onto this scale? Not only with this little baby calculate your body fat percentage (here's a hint: you're somewhere between Marlon Brando and this.) Also, since it's transparent, you'll be able to see the tile cracking beneath your feet as you set your tree trunk size leg on this bad boy. Merry Christmas, Shamu!"

"What's stuck up your ass?? Why, this little beauty here, that's what! Now you'll be able to tell everyone EXACTLY what's stuck up your ass and how long it's been rolling around in there for. Also, the built in thermometer will tell you the exact temperature in Hershey Town at the push of a button. Feel like taking a nap? The built in alarm with touch snooze feature will keep you from missing that all important "I'm a douche bag that wouldn't be on time for his/her own douching" douche bag's anonymous meeting. Douche bag."

"Happy Kwanzaa, you god damned shut-in! Even your porcine fingers shouldn't have difficulty finding the 'Sit on your ass all day and watch TV' channel, thanks to the over sized buttons on this bad boy. The buttons are even glow in the dark, so you won't have to bother with any of that pesky sunlight: just set it next to the warm glow of your Sith light saber. The 6 in 1 feature lets you control your TV, DVD, self inflating Lara Croft doll, milkshake I.V., ceiling mounted crane (for avoiding those pesky bed sores) and animatronic Harry Knowles".

Hope that helps, folks. If not, go screw. Merry Christmas, and Happy Fucking New Year!


girl with curious hair said...

This helps a lot! I can get the remote control for someone's Christmas, and follow up by buying the scale for their birthday. With any luck, they won't try to sit on me and kill me.

Random Musings Of My Life said...

Ok love the remote idea.. Serious there would be losing that thing....

Boo said...

ninny muggins. that made me chortle heartily.

Chez said...

Definitely more entertaining than this year's edition of Dave Barry's Gift Guide. A lot more unfocused rage -- I like unfocused rage.

Manny said...

GWCH - I live but to serve, my dear. Now make me a sammich.

Random - Thanks for stopping by and commenting! If I had that remote I'd make sweet, sweet love, yeah.

Boo - I'd love to see you chortle heartily.

Chez - Unfocused rage? WTF? My rage is completely focused. On everything.

Manda said...

These smacktacular catalogs keep me sane on long flights. I actually watched a woman carefully tearing out pages from her copy of SkyMall on a flight to Seattle. I really wanted to holler, "You know you can take the whole fucking thing with you!"

She was wearing socks with cartoon cats on them.

Wednesday said...

I saw a guy buy a cartload of those remotes last weekend. All I could think was, "Wow, Gulliver just knocked out his Christmas shopping in one trip."

Claudia said...

LMAO~! I don't get catalogs like that where I live. What a bummer.

Manny said...

Manda - Good lord. I've never known ANYONE that's ever bought something from Skymall. I think the cheapest thing in it costs a grand.

Wednesday - You have GOT to be kidding me.

Claudia - Be grateful. I get crap like this twice a MONTH.