Thursday, December 6, 2007
Memo to me:
Inspired by fellow blogger and all around buffoon, TK.
Dear 13 yr old Manny,
How’s it going, kid? So, you should be on your last year of private school by the time you get this. How did this get to you, you ask? Well, it involves stuff like flux capacitors, quantum physics and Michael J. Fox. Anyway, I thought I’d give you a few pointers that may make the rest of my life a bit easier, so hear goes. Mom is going to come back into your life in a big way, so be ready for that. It’s going to be a weird transition, what with her being gay and all now, but it’s for the best. Enjoy the time you have with her. I mean that. Tell her you love her every chance you get. Also, ask more questions like: Why did you and dad split? What part of Puerto Rico is our family from? What kind of drugs were you on? Why is Grandma Nancy bat-shit crazy? Stuff like that. And Liz…well, keep your room clean, do your chores, and for the love of Buddha don’t spill ANYTHING ANYWHERE and you should get along fine. She’s kinda high strung, but she means well.
Tell mom you love her.
High School is going to be kind of boring the first couple of years. You’re going to want to glom on to the first people that talk to you, but hanging out with the tennis club isn't going to rocket you to the top of the popular kids list. So be more outgoing and talk to more people. Kids in high school are waaay more insecure than you think. Show more confidence and they’ll flock to you. Here’s a list of Do’s and Don’ts for high school:
1. DO NOT hook up with Cynthia Alvarez. The temptation to rail a cheerleader is huge, I know, but it’s not going to be worth it in the long run.
2. DO be yourself, dude. You’ll be a lot happier with yourself later on.
3. DO NOT, under any circumstances, hook up with anyone with the first name Larissa and the last name Alvarez. You’ll be happy you did.
4. DO hook up with that girl with the, um...yeah those. And take pictures.
5. DO NOT tell anyone to “get their skinny white ass” to the quad over the loud speaker.
6. DO say “yes” when Brian asks you if you want to try Ecstasy. Yeah, yeah “drugs are bad” and all that…but DAMN!
7. DO call your grandmother more often. Remember what I said about mom?
8. DO NOT hook up with Rachel. Way too much drama. Plus, she's a bitch.
9. DO be more involved with your little brother. He's a prick, but he's your brother.
10. DO NOT, not matter what anyone tells you, drop 4 pills of E in one night. 3, OK. 4, not so much. Your tongue will thank you.
Junior year things are really gonna pick up. As soon as you can, start hanging out with Victor (Liz’s nephew). You’ll spend most of the year drunk and at some great parties. Tone down the partying in college and get a fucking degree. Now, taking all that into consideration, if you should violate rules number 1 and 3…suck it up. Things are going to be a lot different for you from that point forward, and you’re going to have to make a lot of changes. Be responsible, grow up (fast) and things will be a bit easier to handle.
With all this said, there is one last thing I want you to know. If you should choose to ignore every piece of advice in this letter, and your life takes the course it has, there is a light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. You will meet a wonderful, caring, intelligent, motivated woman that will help you turn your life into what it should have been a decade before. She will be your best friend, your best critic, your most avid supporter, and more.
Tell mom you love her.
If you stick to the rules, you should skate through high school and into some uncharted territory. All I can tell you is to be yourself, do what’s right, and don’t settle. You’re smart, funny, and God dammit you’re a handsome summamabitch. Also, whenever possible, rail the chick with the...um, yeah those.