That sound you hear is my heart exploding. Weee!

So, here goes. I walked into my corner 7-Eleven last night to pick up what is surely going to be the first nail in my coffin. I didn’t make a straight line to the cash register, instead I wandered around the store aimlessly, fiddling with magazines, looking at the expiration dates on prepackaged sandwiches and burritos, and trying to see if they still carried the good porno mag’s I remembered.

Anyway, here’s the rundown on what goes into this shot of Satan’s Urine:

Vitamin B6 – It's used in the creation of DNA! Maybe if I mix this in my kid’s chemistry kit I can finally create that super stripper I’ve been working on.
Vitamin B12 – Someone got an award for studying it!
Niacin – Apparently, it can cause itchiness and skin redness…this can't be good.
Folic Acid – Another DNA maker! Rise, Chastity, rise! Bwahahahahahaaaaaaa!
Citicoline (?) – Apparently, this does all kinds of good stuff for the brains. Wai thu hell wood Eye neeed dat?
Tyrosine – A "mood elevator"? Now THIS has possibilities.
Phenylalanine – Is it bad/good that this thing has TWO mood elevators?
Taurine – Good ol' Taurine. Someone once told me that it comes from bull sperm. I’m obviously ignoring that person.
Malic Acid – Helps remove aluminum and phosphorous from the body. I've really got to cut back on eating soda cans apparently.
Glucuronolactone – Sounds like a Klingon that's Lactose intolerant. Hey-o!
Caffeine – Hey! A word I can actually pronounce. My Doctologist said caffeine is better than milk.



09:00 a.m. (PST) – Opened bottle and took a whiff. Yup, smells like Satan’s urine alright. Having second thoughts about this. Oh well, all in the name of scientifical stuff (and traffic). Bottoms up.

09:34 a.m. (PST) - My hands are all tingly and I feel kinda hot (and not in the "I'm wearing a thong" way). Feel a bit "amped" but not the cracked out kind of amped I thought I'd be.

10:10 a.m. (PST) - Cracked out, meet Manny. Manny, cracked out. Seriously, folks, I could run the L.A. Marathon right now, die from heart failure, and I wouldn't even know I was dead. Wooooohooooo! This is life! Fuckin' aye! Rock on! WOooooohOOooooo!

11:40 a.m. (PST) – Still feel pretty amped. So far so good. The tingly sensation in my hands comes and goes. My heart's beating faster than TK in the bathroom at an all midget topless review. I'm in a pretty good right now, so those double doses of mood elevators are obviously working.

1:50 p.m. (PST) – Everyone at work has been asking me why I was in such a good mood…fuckers. Feeling kinda' tired now. I guess they weren't kidding about the whole "5 hour" thing. God damned sunsabitches. Life sucks. Puppies suck. I hate babies. There's no such thing as love. I hope you're all happy now, I think I'm hooked on those mood elevators. Any one got a Red Bull? Monster? How about a spoonful of coffee grounds?

Fuckers.

Overall: At $3.29 for a 2oz bottle, the standard flavor tasted like Satan's pee, but went down just as easily. Stayed true to its promise of 5 hour energy, although I was left feeling hollow and alone. Could have used a hug at the four hour fifty nine minute mark. Loved the mood elevators, but I may need to attend an N.A. meeting or go into rehab if I keep this up.

The more you suffer, the more it shows you really care...right?

My never ending quest to conquer the interwebs continues, people. I’ve decided to horn in on Marvo’s territory and dip my dainty little toe into the welcoming waters of product review. In case you’re wondering, the answer is "No"; I’m not getting paid and or compensated for this. So why am I doing it, you ask? Because I love you like a fat kid loves cake. Like Rosie O’Donnell loves eating newborn babies. Like Britney Spears loves riding paparazzi schlong, Lindsay Lohan loves schlong covered in coke, and Perez Hilton loves, well, just schlong in general (suck on THAT, Google Search).

Starting on Monday, I will be subjecting my finely chiseled physique to various energy boosting supplements on a daily basis. First on the list will be various "5 Hour" energy drinks. Yeah, you know the ones. The little bottles hovering at the liquor store counter, praying on your impulse shopping compulsion, just sitting in their little racks, all cozy and warm with promises of all day energy and enough Niacin to give a rhino a heart attack. Also, I’ll be ingesting those "Nitro 2 Go" pill packs, with the crackhead packaging and vaguely illegal look about them.

I’ll ingest one of these energy boosting products at the beginning of my work day and updating this blog with my physical condition throughout the day. At the end of the day I’ll post a summary of the products overall effect and my opinion of said item.

Should one of my posts start off fine and turn into "…at around 12:00 I began to feell aguikmdngolkdgaljdk;aaa smd[0q UWIJ…", that means I just had a heart attack and I’m face down on my keyboard. Please call an ambulance.