Monday, March 17, 2008

That sound you hear is my heart exploding. Weee!

So, here goes. I walked into my corner 7-Eleven last night to pick up what is surely going to be the first nail in my coffin. I didn’t make a straight line to the cash register, instead I wandered around the store aimlessly, fiddling with magazines, looking at the expiration dates on prepackaged sandwiches and burritos, and trying to see if they still carried the good porno mag’s I remembered.

Anyway, here’s the rundown on what goes into this shot of Satan’s Urine:

Vitamin B6 – It's used in the creation of DNA! Maybe if I mix this in my kid’s chemistry kit I can finally create that super stripper I’ve been working on.
Vitamin B12 – Someone got an award for studying it!
Niacin – Apparently, it can cause itchiness and skin redness…this can't be good.
Folic Acid – Another DNA maker! Rise, Chastity, rise! Bwahahahahahaaaaaaa!
Citicoline (?) – Apparently, this does all kinds of good stuff for the brains. Wai thu hell wood Eye neeed dat?
Tyrosine – A "mood elevator"? Now THIS has possibilities.
Phenylalanine – Is it bad/good that this thing has TWO mood elevators?
Taurine – Good ol' Taurine. Someone once told me that it comes from bull sperm. I’m obviously ignoring that person.
Malic Acid – Helps remove aluminum and phosphorous from the body. I've really got to cut back on eating soda cans apparently.
Glucuronolactone – Sounds like a Klingon that's Lactose intolerant. Hey-o!
Caffeine – Hey! A word I can actually pronounce. My Doctologist said caffeine is better than milk.

09:00 a.m. (PST) – Opened bottle and took a whiff. Yup, smells like Satan’s urine alright. Having second thoughts about this. Oh well, all in the name of scientifical stuff (and traffic). Bottoms up.

09:34 a.m. (PST) - My hands are all tingly and I feel kinda hot (and not in the "I'm wearing a thong" way). Feel a bit "amped" but not the cracked out kind of amped I thought I'd be.

10:10 a.m. (PST) - Cracked out, meet Manny. Manny, cracked out. Seriously, folks, I could run the L.A. Marathon right now, die from heart failure, and I wouldn't even know I was dead. Wooooohooooo! This is life! Fuckin' aye! Rock on! WOooooohOOooooo!

11:40 a.m. (PST) – Still feel pretty amped. So far so good. The tingly sensation in my hands comes and goes. My heart's beating faster than TK in the bathroom at an all midget topless review. I'm in a pretty good right now, so those double doses of mood elevators are obviously working.

1:50 p.m. (PST) – Everyone at work has been asking me why I was in such a good mood…fuckers. Feeling kinda' tired now. I guess they weren't kidding about the whole "5 hour" thing. God damned sunsabitches. Life sucks. Puppies suck. I hate babies. There's no such thing as love. I hope you're all happy now, I think I'm hooked on those mood elevators. Any one got a Red Bull? Monster? How about a spoonful of coffee grounds?


Overall: At $3.29 for a 2oz bottle, the standard flavor tasted like Satan's pee, but went down just as easily. Stayed true to its promise of 5 hour energy, although I was left feeling hollow and alone. Could have used a hug at the four hour fifty nine minute mark. Loved the mood elevators, but I may need to attend an N.A. meeting or go into rehab if I keep this up.


TK said...

No good can come of this.

Which is probably why I'm so excited about it.

Kyddryn said...

Oh, dear...

I'll get the paddles where did I put the defibrillator??

Shade and Sweetwater,

Riles said...

Dude, I've tried this stuff before when I was exhausted and threw one down. Hours later I of course forgot I drank it and got a coffee, and minutes later thought I was going to pass out.

Good luck Manny. Forget about consuming any more caffeine for the remainder of the day. Unless you want do want that heart attack.

Becky said...


(wipes tears from eyes)

A Bowl Of Stupid said...

I'm with TK -- I've never been more interested in reading your blog. Carry on ...

BTW, you should consider visiting here in Thailand to conduct further experiments -- Red Bull was actually INVENTED here, and another popular 'energy drink' is actually made by a pharmaceutical company, not a soft drink maker. Who needs all that pesky government regulation anyway?

girl with curious hair said...

Nothing good will come of this. (Ok, a few good laughs, but that's it).

You're lucky your favorite co-worker didn't come and hug you in your moment of weakness.

brite69 said...

LMAO One of my medics fed me TWO of those at work a couple weeks back and all it did was make me fall asleep. o_O Fo realz, yo.