Thursday, August 2, 2007
I should totally have my own dating game show.
Here is a sample of some dating advice I recently gave a friend of mine that's carrying a torch for a guy that has yet to make a move. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent. Everything else, however, is fair game.
You have (potential boyfriend) pick you up for the movie at your place. This already sets the date "mood" seeing as how this follows the traditional formula of a guy picking up his date. Wear something slightly revealing, but in a "you gotta work for this, buddy...kinda" way. Laugh at his jokes, playfully hitting his arm and saying things like "(Potential boyfriend)! You're soooo droll; you simply HAVE to visit my summer home". After the film, fake a bit of a chill and slide your arm under his as you walk outside. Never mind if it's 80 degrees out, just pass it off as poor blood circulation.
When you get back to your house, offer him a glass of the wine you purchased before he came over. If at all possible, slip some GHB into the wine or simply give him enough wine to make him pass out. Now, here is where we kick things into high gear. While he is passed out, place kiss marks in strategic locations on his person. You might even want to go so far as to place a pair of your "unmentionables" in his pants pocket, to be found later. Be sure you are next to him when he wakes up, wearing something that you could have conceivably put on after a night of vigorous "horizontal mambo-ing".
Now, you're probably wondering, "Manny, I know you're a genius and I'm probably just not capable of comprehending the level of smartness that comes from you, but why go through all this trouble?" The answer is simple. Once he's convinced that he's already shellacked you with his love paint, getting him to actually make a move the next time you go out will be all the easier since he will already believe he's Googled your Yahoo.
She is so totally gonna get laid. I'm a miracle worker, people. It's what I do.