Thursday, August 2, 2007

I should totally have my own dating game show.



Here is a sample of some dating advice I recently gave a friend of mine that's carrying a torch for a guy that has yet to make a move. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent. Everything else, however, is fair game.


You have (potential boyfriend) pick you up for the movie at your place. This already sets the date "mood" seeing as how this follows the traditional formula of a guy picking up his date. Wear something slightly revealing, but in a "you gotta work for this, buddy...kinda" way. Laugh at his jokes, playfully hitting his arm and saying things like "(Potential boyfriend)! You're soooo droll; you simply HAVE to visit my summer home". After the film, fake a bit of a chill and slide your arm under his as you walk outside. Never mind if it's 80 degrees out, just pass it off as poor blood circulation.

When you get back to your house, offer him a glass of the wine you purchased before he came over. If at all possible, slip some GHB into the wine or simply give him enough wine to make him pass out. Now, here is where we kick things into high gear. While he is passed out, place kiss marks in strategic locations on his person. You might even want to go so far as to place a pair of your "unmentionables" in his pants pocket, to be found later. Be sure you are next to him when he wakes up, wearing something that you could have conceivably put on after a night of vigorous "horizontal mambo-ing".

Now, you're probably wondering, "Manny, I know you're a genius and I'm probably just not capable of comprehending the level of smartness that comes from you, but why go through all this trouble?" The answer is simple. Once he's convinced that he's already shellacked you with his love paint, getting him to actually make a move the next time you go out will be all the easier since he will already believe he's Googled your Yahoo.


She is so totally gonna get laid. I'm a miracle worker, people. It's what I do.

8 comments:

Lauren said...

"he's Googled your Yahoo".... LOL!! I am sooo stealing that one (while giving you full credit, of course)! Meanwhile, and maybe I'm insane/stupid for this one, but why not just make a move herself?

Bianca Reagan said...

The GHB isn't creepy at all.

Shouldn't your friend find someone who actually likes her enough to make his move in a sober state? Or, she could be a man about it and make a move herself. It is 2007, after all.

onthevirg said...

Dude, seriously? For women it's not that hard. All they have to do is ask and that guy's going to try and get his freaky on. Or at least I would be. The GHB comment was comedy though, nice touch.

And did I just say "get his freaky on?"

slouchmonkey said...

Run for Congress.

Vermillion said...

It is so twisted, and yet, absolute genius. I think I may have lost my mind now.

I would say there is a special place in hell for you, but that would be a lie. Beelzebub wouldn't trust your ass within 50 feet of him.

In case you didn't read it on my blog, you can get those Revoltech figures at http://www.hlj.com.

Chez said...

Can I pay a coyote to take you back across the border?

Bella said...

onthevirg is sooo right...

Boo said...

hahaha!! oh, shit, i was already laughing at the blog (what happens if he finds out he was drugged?) and at all the comments (Googled your Yahoo is a reference of perfection) and then i saw chez's comment. and now i have frozen raspberry mocha all over my screen....dammit.