Monday, August 6, 2007
I should totally have my own dating game show. Part II.
Here's the complete exchange regarding the dating issue my Blogger Friend is facing. Reprinted with her permission, and only the names of the innocent have been changed.
This all started with me asking her to check out a post I was preparing for Offsprung.
Me: I'll flesh it out some more before I go home. Speaking of flesh...how's the online dating going? See what I did there? That's called a segue
Blogger friend: It's blah
I think I'm not attracting the right people.
Me: So you're saying you and Peter whatshisface didn't work out? I find that hard to believe, you had such great chemistry. And by "chemistry", I mean he had a chemical imbalance that only your sweet lovin' could cure. Speaking of sweet lovin' (King Segue, they called me), any news on the (friend she likes) front?
Blogger friend: No news. Haven't even talked to him in the past few days, but probably will go see The Bourne Ultimatum with him this weekend. We both love those movies.
I'd take him in a red hot second if I could. But I just can't make the first move. I've already tried and there's no response! So...
Me: Um, hellooooo. Ever heard of booze, (friend)? Sheesh, do I gotta do everything? Alright, here's the plan:
Now here's where I stepped in, as you all read before.
You have (friend) pick you up for the movie at your place. This already sets the date "mood" seeing as how this follows the traditional formula of a guy picking up his date. Wear something slightly revealing, but in a "you gotta work for this, buddy. Kinda" way. Laugh at his jokes, and playfully hitting his arm and saying things like "(Friend she likes)! You're soooo droll, you simply HAVE to visit my summer home". After the film, feign a bit of a chill and slide your arm under his as you walk outside. Never mind if it's 80 degrees out, just pass it off as poor blood circulation. When you get back to your house, offer him a glass of the wine you purchased before he came over. If at all possible, slip some GHB into the wine or simply give him enough wine to make him pass out. Now, here is where we kick things into high gear. While he is passed out, place kiss marks in strategic locations on his person. You might even want to go so far as to place a pair of your "unmentionables" in his pants pocket, to be found later. Be sure you are next to him when he wakes up, wearing something that you could have conceivably put on after a night of vigorous "horizontal mambo-ing".
Now, you're probably wondering, "Manny, I know you're a genius and I'm probably just not capable of comprehending the level of smartness that comes from you, but why go through all this trouble?" The answer is simple. Once he's convinced that he's already shellacked you with his love paint, getting him to actually make a move the next time you go out will be all the easier since he will already believe he's Googled your Yahoo.
Blogger friend: I feel like this is fucking blog worthy.
Which, in my world is like, the highest praise ever. I LOVE this. It's genius AND it's funny.
Me: I'll call it Funius.
Blogger friend: I would seriously put it on the blog, BUT it's about (friend).
However, I wasn't holding out a lot of hope for this witty banter guy on OkCupid, but he's warmed up some and I kinda like him.
Me: (Blogger Friend) and witty banter guy, sittin' in a tree, b-l-o-g-g...i-n-g. So what does he do for a living besides setting your loins on fire?
Blogger friend: No idea!
I just went and looked.
He's a student but he graduates soon.
Me: Oooh, that's slippery ground. That means lots of nights at your place or his. But it could force him to be very creative with the date options. Unless he has a trust fund, then you're in luck.
Blogger friend: We'll see. I haven't even MET him yet. JESUS CHRIST, Manny!
Me: I'm just thinking ahead, my dear. You'll thank me you when he calls you and tells you about the date he has planned where you collect pine cones all day and talk about your feelings. Meanwhile, you haven't seen the inside of a restaurant that doesn't have a kids menu in X number of years. Take the journey with me, (blogger friend).
Blogger friend: LOL
I have, actually, been to a nice restaurant, but doing anything in the bedroom? It's in short supply 'round here, sir. SHORT SUPPLY!
Me: There you go! If he asks you out and during the date is obviously trying to impress you with his use of the word "conflate", just look him dead in the eye and tell him "I'm not wearing panties". If he does nothing in the first 2.5 seconds, he's done.
So would you go on a date if he asked you? Would you opt for the safer "Coffee Date", or the more intimate "Dinner and a movie, possibly my panties" date?
Blogger friend: oh def the latter. Hehehe
Me: Whoa! Check out the big balls on (friend)! Woohoooo. I think there is hope for this after all. So when do you think he'll pop the question, so to speak?
Blogger friend: I give him another 4 days. Otherwise, he's toast! I'm not hanging around for the witty banter by itself!
Me: Grrrrrr! You tell em!