Friday, February 29, 2008

Office Pace II

1. The old lady (Fartsy McTootsalot) training me has perpetual dry mouth. Whenever she speaks to me all I hear are those lip smacky noises.

2. One of the nicer ladies in the office wears belly hugging clothing that she really has no business wearing. I repeat, super nice lady, but she has a serious case of booty-do...her belly sticks our more than her booty do. I think it’s possible she may be pregnant, but come on, how much can a moo moo cost?

3. My computer will mysteriously power down on its own at random times. Oh, did you just type up a three page report that has to get to court in 10 minutes? Let me shut down really quick so you can lose all of your work, mkay? Fucker.

4. The other old lady that sits in the next cubicle refuses to close her mouth when she is eating chips at her desk. It’s like nails on motherfucking chalkboard to me.

5. One of the other workers here will stand right outside my cubicle, holding a file, knowing full well that I’m on a break and tell me they have a report they need typed before the last run for court. Fuck you, man. Just because you’re the resident gay guy doesn’t make it ok for you to be an ass hat. Seriously folks, the dude is so gay he practically sets the carpet on fire. Not that there is anything wrong with being gay, but MAN...we're talkin' a whole lotta gayness right there. On the I Love Schlong scale, 1 cock being Anderson Cooper and 10 cocks being that gay comedian that's always on VH1, this guy is probably a 14.

That being said, what annoys you at your place of work? Also, I am declaring today Delurker Day!! That's right folks, if you've never commented at the Disco, but have been reading, please feel free to step out of line and move into the VIP section. All lurkers that delurk will receive a Hispanic! At The Disco commemorative plate featuring moi*.

*Not really.


slouchmonkey said...

1. There's a perfectly nice lady that microwaves bacon every morning. The floor smells like the underside of a toilet seat at an Exxon gas station in Riverside.

2. Same lady is a smoker and every once in awhile, I think she's going to cough up a lung. Once, I went over to check and see if she was dead, and she just kept hacking.

3. Somebody likes to shit their pants, then stuff said shit stained pants in a filing cabinet outside my office.

4. Paper cuts.

5. Reading tax law.

6. People who talk incessantly about how great their kids are and try to make you feel that you are not as good as them.

slouchmonkey said...

i sent you an email, dude. can i give you some disneyland tickets?

Manny said...

Slouch -

1. TELL me you're not serious about someone shitting their pants. I hope you mean that the filing cabinet just smells like shit.

2. Abso-effing-lutely you can. I commented back with my work email. Thanks!

Becky said...


Kyddryn said...

But...but...what if one isn't employed in the more traditional sense? What if one is merely a slacker, home schooling, housekeepery-dodging, half hippie mum?

It drives me completely mad when people take things out and don't put them back. That held true when I was gainfully employed, too. How hard is it, really, to but the bloody batteries back where you found them? Or putty knife or glass cutter or fork or...whatever?!? Equally annoying is when someone puts an empty packet of something back rather than toss it. Gah!

Shade and Sweetwater,

Manny said...

Becky - Alright, since you asked so nicely. Actually I may get some t-shirts made and I will let you know when I do. How's that?

Kyddryn - I'm more than a bit OCD myself when it comes to stuff being put back, too.

Anonymous said...

Manny, in honor of you, I posted an entire blog entry about my work problem. Enjoy this glimpse into my life.

Nate said...

I'm a student and this guy in my physics class is a compulsive pen-clicker. 45 minutes a day, 4 days a week I have to listen to this goofball clicking his pen. Why in the hell he isn't taking notes with said pen is way beyond my comprehension.

Anonymous said...

Manny I just love the way you write. I always grin at your posts. I've delurked here before - but consider this yet another delurking moment.

Cyli - Dork Bloggers Creator

litelysalted said...

What annoys me at work? Uhm, ya got a few hours?

I hear you about the eating thing. Sometimes people will just walk down the hallway past my office audibly eating something and I want to get up and slam my door. Also, people who want to know what you're eating, and stick their fucking faces in your lunch. YES! IT'S FALAFEL!! O-FUCKING-KAY??

onthevirg said...

SlouchMonkey - Hey hey now...easy on us 909'ers. Not everyone out here is a wife-beating, mullet-wearing meth head.

I especially enjoy the "Bad breath/smoker that likes to corner you for conversation." I think I'd rather take my chances swimming w/ sharks.

girl with curious hair said...

You may one day encourage me to lurk for a change...

1) I am now restraining myself from strangling a particular sales person who is making life hell for EVERYONE she is in contact with. She keeps needling people to finish work by an unrealistic deadline, so that she can get her commission. She has gone as far up as her SVP and our VP to make sure 'everyone understands what's at stake'. Charming.

2) My perpetual favorite is the crazy woman in my office who does not understand any social norm or etiquette. During my first month at work, she asked me how the 72 virgin thing works for me as a woman if I wanted to get into heaven. If she wants to talk to you, it doesn't matter what you're doing, she'll talk to you. Even if you're on the phone, crying because your beloved grandfather has died half-way across the world and you're speaking in another language. Or, she'll imply that it's an interesting coincidence that said grandfather's death happened to fall during the Christmas holidays and that missing work during that time was just a strange coincidence. That's just the beginning.

I could entertain you for hours...

Anonymous said...

There is a girl (works at customer service desk) who uses the page system like this (in a husky, fresh off the Rez voice): "Uhhh. Front end supervisor pick up, I mean parked fall, I mean parked CALL" giggles "on 537, UHHH I mean 101. Please." Then in a rushed tone, half giggling cause she knows she sounds like a fucking IDIOT, "Front end 109, UHH 101." pauses. "Thanks." Then clangs the phone down making it clatter over the system, without hitting the release page button.

I swear I am going to call her after one of those stupid pages and ask her to NOT touch the fucking phones. Drives me apeshit.

Random Musings Of My Life said...

Ok I lurk.. But I also when time permits I comment...
I just about peed myself reading this entry..

1. The pooty spray is the bathroom is free, it does not come out of your fucking paycheck, use it generously, I do not want to each your lunch when I walk in...

2. If someone says "goodmorning" don't be such a fucktard and say it back. Or if you are too fucking stuck up to say good morning at least grunt or something you rude bastard.

3. I am about to blow my fucking brains out about your cute little kids pictures they made a school and how the cute little thing they did last nigh.
I.DO.NOT.CARE!! Although I pretend to sometimes to not be rude I am going to lose it one day and figer paint over how "precious" a little picture it is.

4. I do not CARE about your husband either, or how you think his ass is cheating on you. If you think he is, he is. End of story. Shit or get off the pot you have been talking about this for 7 months.

5. Its common courtesy if someone is behind you to hold the door for them fucker. I do not care that you are on your cell phone.

6. Dear Manager,
Just because you are a useless waste of space, does not mean its ok to get me to return your fucking phone messages and then relay what they wanted FROM YOUR ASS back to you so you can just call them anyways...

Wow I could go on and on.. maybe this is why I quit my job

Bella said...

Hey, great post.

My irks:
1. People who have their cell
phones on LOUD and not on
2. Ice chewers.
3. People who CONSTANTLY peddle
their kid's fundraisers.

That's about it!


Alex the Odd said...

I'm late to the game but I want to play the "bitch about work" game - it's my favourite. I could go on for hours but my top three are as follows:

1. There is someone in the building who makes a lip smacking noise while he (for I know it is a he) tries to remember his code for the security door just past my office. Every. Single. Time that he uses it.

2. I have worked in my lab for almost two years and have been offered a cup of coffee about twice in that time - although my colleagues have no problem calling up people from other labs to come and share with them. Fuckers.

3. My boss pronounces everything with a long "a" sound (I'm a Brit, it's a million times worse than you probably imagine). Including words such as "classic" and "pasta" I fear I may have to charge my dental bills to the company from all the rage induced teeth grinding.

Manny said...

Prisco - God damn you and your hilarity. God DAMN you.

Nate - Just so you know, it would be perfectly legal for you to take said pen and ram it into one of his eyes. I checked.

Cylithria - Thanks for delurking Cyl. We uber dorks have to stick together. Rise up!

Litelysalted - Have I ever told you that you are probably the angriest woman I have ever met? I love it.

Virg - I can top that. I have to deal with my trainer every day and her breath smells like she has permanent morning breath.

GWCH - Good Lord, woman. I'm surprised you don't keep a bottle of Jack Daniels in your desk. And a bat.

Claudia - I used to work at a trucking company and their was a girl JUST LIKE THAT that worked in billing. Luckily for her she had a phenomenal booty. ;)

Random - I think the heat from your burning hatred just fried my mouse. Thanks.

Bella - Oh! The fundraisers piss me off to know end. I have kids, and I don't bring ANY of their fundraising stuff to work. Wanna know why? Because it's all over priced crap that you can get from Wal Mart. That, and I just send it over to their mom's house to sell....hehehehehehe.

Alex - Hey, good to see that Vermillion hasn't bought that plane ticket to come "visit" you. I'd hate to see you end up as a coat. So, your boss has a Brit accent AND pronounces everything with a long "a' sound? Jesus on a jet ski, that takes the cake.

who'sthatgirl said...

So I'm totally late to the party on this one, but people at my job have been annoying me immensely today. So, in order to not go all crazy postal on everyone... I shall vent frustrations here! :)

1. I deal with customers all day, and most of them come to my store because they actually want assistance from someone who knows a refrigerator from a range. But, SOME people come in and don't even listen to anything that you tell them and get everything confused with everything else and ARRGGGGHHH! It's just SO frustrating!

2. Everyone at my job is really chipper and friendly. Like all the time. Except for 3 people, who are openly hostile. I'm not one of those people who needs to be friends, but can't we at least be civil?!

3. There's a group of women that I work with that tell me I'm spoiled because my boyfriend brings me lunch most days and eats with me. Now, normally I'd thoroughly agree. They say this, though, knowing full well that he works nights and I work days. So if he didn't come have lunch with me, I'd see him approximately 4 hours per week total.

4. Every female I work with comments on my boobs... all of them. I know I've got them thanks, I don't need your interpretation of why they are great/too big/make me look chubbier than I am/whatever other shit you can come up with, thanks.

Wow, thanks Manny! I feel MUCH better!!

Dan M said...

First time lurker and poster. So which does that make me?!

Anyways, just read some of your posts. Good stuff.

Anonymous said...

You know what really irks me? When people mispell


M'kay?????? Fuck.

(hee! kidding. actually, one of my co-workers is a habitual muumuu wearer--my work is very casual--and it really bothers me. like, a lot.)

Manny said...

who'sthatgirl - Vent at your leisure. Also, feel free to describe said chesticles at your earliest convenience. Visual aids are welcome.

Dan m - Thanks for delurknig dan. Your commemorative plate may or may not be on it's way.

Boo - Awwwww, cut me some slack! I googled it and everything and it came back as two seperate words. Your coworkes wear muumuu's? And they're OK with it there? Must be nice to work for Green Peace.

A Bowl Of Stupid said...

Aww man, but I LIKE lurking (or 'stalking' as it says on the indictment -- uhmm, did I say 'indictment'? I meant Scott Turow novel ... oops, silly mistake).

Okay, I'm here kid, but I really don't know what to say about of all this job related stuff other than 'BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"



Oh man, that was good. Okay, until I head back to Bali in a couple weeks, I'll keep reading about your wooo..., wooorr..., wooorrrc...

your job, with rapt interest. I miss you guys too, no worries about my shoes (I don't wear shoes anymore anyway), and don't forget to put the new cover sheet on your TPS reports.

And ... queue receptionist: "Corporate accounts payable, Nina speaking, just a moment."