Monday Office Haiku

Monkey swings on branch.
Why does the hippo hate me?
Printer ink in eye.

Doctor can save me
Prostate can kill a man in time
Why is finger brown?

Two men in a boat
Food cannot last much longer
Two men and one cup?

Sun sets over me
The ocean is on fire
Skin cancer's a bitch.

Office Pace II

1. The old lady (Fartsy McTootsalot) training me has perpetual dry mouth. Whenever she speaks to me all I hear are those lip smacky noises.

2. One of the nicer ladies in the office wears belly hugging clothing that she really has no business wearing. I repeat, super nice lady, but she has a serious case of booty-do...her belly sticks our more than her booty do. I think it’s possible she may be pregnant, but come on, how much can a moo moo cost?

3. My computer will mysteriously power down on its own at random times. Oh, did you just type up a three page report that has to get to court in 10 minutes? Let me shut down really quick so you can lose all of your work, mkay? Fucker.

4. The other old lady that sits in the next cubicle refuses to close her mouth when she is eating chips at her desk. It’s like nails on motherfucking chalkboard to me.

5. One of the other workers here will stand right outside my cubicle, holding a file, knowing full well that I’m on a break and tell me they have a report they need typed before the last run for court. Fuck you, man. Just because you’re the resident gay guy doesn’t make it ok for you to be an ass hat. Seriously folks, the dude is so gay he practically sets the carpet on fire. Not that there is anything wrong with being gay, but MAN...we're talkin' a whole lotta gayness right there. On the I Love Schlong scale, 1 cock being Anderson Cooper and 10 cocks being that gay comedian that's always on VH1, this guy is probably a 14.

That being said, what annoys you at your place of work? Also, I am declaring today Delurker Day!! That's right folks, if you've never commented at the Disco, but have been reading, please feel free to step out of line and move into the VIP section. All lurkers that delurk will receive a Hispanic! At The Disco commemorative plate featuring moi*.














*Not really.

Office Pace

Hey folks, sorry about the lack of posts lately, but the new job has been running me ragged. They're also pretty adamant about no internet usage for personal stuff, so I've been accessing the internet only sparingly. However, I know all two of my readers can't get enough of me so here we go.

Here are a couple of incidents that occurred shortly after I started two Fridays ago that I found particularly amusing/horrifying:

1. Within three days of starting the new job, I lost both the temporary badge assigned to me AND the permanent one with my picture on it. I only just today received the replacement. See that? That's me impressing my new boss with my attention to detail.

2. I overhead the following phone conversation in the next cubicle

Co-worker:
"What? The latex one?

pause

Co-worker:
"That one's kind of flimsy, it'll slide all over the place"

pause

Co-worker:
"You'll never get it to fit"

3. The older woman training me farted. When she was right next to me. She apologized...and then proceeded to fan the fumes away with a manila folder. Never mind that I was sitting at my desk at the time and was at nose level with the folder. God, it smelled like a raccoon crawled up her ass, died, came back from the dead, ate a shit ton of taco bell and then crawled back up her ass and died again. Don't even get me started on her tea breath.

4. Whenever someone walks within 1 foot of my cubicle wall, my entire monitor wobbles from side to side and makes me want to vomit.

By the way, I went to play airsoft with my friend Eric this weekend. I had a great time with the A47 rifle and 1911 pistol, but by the end of our session (we started at 1 and ended at 3, which was about 4 or 5 games), my legs felt like lead weights. What does this mean for me now? Well, I've been walking around my office like Forrest Gump in leg braces, and making "worrrrg" sounds whenever I get up from my desk chair. The plus side, it was a great work out and I actually got a guy to surrender during my first game.

I'll post something more substantial later in the week, so please do check in. Please? Pretty please?? Only if I what? Oh God, don't make do that again? You promise you won't take pictures this time?