With great power comes 3 times the chance for heart failure

I'm sittin' here at my desk, staring at this bottle of Berry Flavor Fusion Instant Energy that I picked up at a local AM/PM. The neon blue wrapper and image of an exploding atom tell me that this can't possibly be good for me. It claims to have "3x Energy Power"…but 3 times more than what? Three times more energy power than the average person? Three times more energy power than a crackhead on a 3 day binge? They say with great power comes great responsibility, but I really don't look good in tights and I shirk responsibility at the earliest opportunity. I don't know if I can handle over 6 hours of power.




The Rundown:
Calories: 8. Eff you, South Beach Diet. Hah!
Sodium: 10mg
Vitamin C: 100mg. Wow, according to the label this is 167% of my Daily Value.
Niacin: 33mg. Glorious, glorious Nia…waitaminute. 165% of my Daily Value?! Color me apprehensive.
Vitamin B6: 40mg. Um, hey folks…that’s 2,000% of my Daily Value. That’s a two and three zero's after it.
Folic Acid: 400mcg. Okay, not so bad. We're at 100% of my Daily Value. Luckily I keep my Folic Acid intake to a minimum. Yeah right.
Vitamin B12: 500mcg. That's not much more than the Folic…oh my sweet Jeebus. 8,333%. Does that make sense to ANYONE??
Phytomic Energy Blend: 2,100mg. According to the label, that includes Taurine, Caffeine, and lots of other stuff with een at the end and more syllables than an East European kid's name.

After reading this, I've deduced that these ingredients are probably 3 times more than a normal human can withstand before being reduced to a quivering sack of liquefied innards. I guess this means I'll get some time off work .

I am officially crapping my pants.

09:00 a.m. (PST) – Doesn’t smell bad. Definitely smells like something berry flavored. Bottoms up: Ugh, tastes like berry flavored Nyquil. It definitely leaves a berry flavored taste of artificial sweetener in your mouth.

09:45 a.m. (PST) - Nothing yet. These types of energy drinks usually hit me within the first 40 minutes. It might be the breakfast I had slowing it down. I have another one sitting on my desk, taunting me. If I get enough votes for it, I'll take the second one just for shits and giggles. And a coronary.

10:20 a.m. (PST) – Ok, this blows. I'm not feeling a damned thing. Looks like three bucks down just went down the crapper. How am I going to explain to my oldest daughter that I blew her college fund on a bad energy drink? Hold the phone. As I'm typing this my stomach started to flutter and my hands are getting a bit tingly. Maybe this just takes longer to kick in. I'll update again soon.

11:25 A.M. (pst) – Alright folks, we have another dud. I do feel slightly more alert, but definitely no elevated mood, no rapid heartbeat, no rush of blood to the face or any extremities whatsoever, and the tingly sensation from earlier dissipated almost as fast as it came on.

Overall: Three bucks officially down the crapper. No super powers developed, and I still don't look good in tights. Avoid this one unless you're unusually susceptible to energy drinks.

Jackie Chan wants me dead

Okey dokey folks. Seeing as how the last little experiment didn't kill me, next on the list is the XGT Energy Green Tea (with "natural lemon flavor"?)Drink Mix featuring none other than the drunken master himself, Jackie Chan. I found this little gem at a local 99 cent store, so that should be my first clue. The second would be that the tag line on the packaging is "Tea with a Kick!" Oy vey.

The packaging is giving me mixed messages: either I'm going to be attacked by a diminutive Asian man with a bad haircut, or I'm going to turn into a diminutive Asian man with a bad haircut as soon as I mix this with a bottle of water.

The Rundown:
Vitamin B2 – 10%
Vitamin B3 – 10%
Vitamin B5 – 10%
Vitamin B6 – 10%
Vitamin B12 – 10%
Vitamin C – 100%
Ginseng
Taurine
Green Tea Extract – Which is high in "flavonoid antioxidants", according to the packaging. Anybody remember The 'Noid from those old Domino's Pizza Commercials? Little fucker creeped me the hell out. Maybe this will help keep him from ruining my enjoyment of Domino's Pizza…if I (or anyone) were actually capable of enjoying Domino's Pizza.

SO, I've got enough B vitamins to start my own pharmacy, along with Ginseng and some more Bull Sperm. Yay me.

09:01 a.m. (PST) Bottoms up: OH. MY. GOD. This stuff tastes like a bottle full of ass juice…with a hint of lemon. Eww, now I've got that aftertaste of Splenda and Lemon…with a hint of ass. Gah.

10:04 a.m.(PST) - What the hell!? I'm getting hot flashes and my stomach feels like two little Jackie Chan's are having a free for all in there...ugh. Is this what it feels like to be Asian? I don't notice any sudden martial arts skills, nor is my ability so speak English or drive a car impaired.

10:57 a.m. (PST) - Ok. This stuff SUCKS. With a capital FUCKING. I feel horrible, I was a little jittery for about 5 minutes, and now I can't get that Splenda taste out of my mouth. However, I think my math skills have improved and I now have a sudden afinity for import cars and flat chested women with Hello Kitty backpacks.

13:00 (PST) – Hai-yah! I mean, uh, not really feeling any more “energized” than I did this morning. Which is to say, Konichiwa!...whoa, I mean not at all. I definitely feel different, though. My hair seems to be much smoother and manageable. I’ve also having strange urges to jump over cars, and engage in intricately choreographed fight scenes with my co workers. Me love you long time!

Overall: At 99 cents for a pack of 3 tubes, you definitely get your money's worth. Tastes like juice from the anus. Didn't know I would turn Asian in less than 4 hours. Increase in my martial arts skill is appreciated, though useless in the office. Strange craving for pigs feet.


*Further updates as the day progresss...gah.