Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Jackie Chan wants me dead

Okey dokey folks. Seeing as how the last little experiment didn't kill me, next on the list is the XGT Energy Green Tea (with "natural lemon flavor"?)Drink Mix featuring none other than the drunken master himself, Jackie Chan. I found this little gem at a local 99 cent store, so that should be my first clue. The second would be that the tag line on the packaging is "Tea with a Kick!" Oy vey.

The packaging is giving me mixed messages: either I'm going to be attacked by a diminutive Asian man with a bad haircut, or I'm going to turn into a diminutive Asian man with a bad haircut as soon as I mix this with a bottle of water.

The Rundown:
Vitamin B2 – 10%
Vitamin B3 – 10%
Vitamin B5 – 10%
Vitamin B6 – 10%
Vitamin B12 – 10%
Vitamin C – 100%
Green Tea Extract – Which is high in "flavonoid antioxidants", according to the packaging. Anybody remember The 'Noid from those old Domino's Pizza Commercials? Little fucker creeped me the hell out. Maybe this will help keep him from ruining my enjoyment of Domino's Pizza…if I (or anyone) were actually capable of enjoying Domino's Pizza.

SO, I've got enough B vitamins to start my own pharmacy, along with Ginseng and some more Bull Sperm. Yay me.

09:01 a.m. (PST) Bottoms up: OH. MY. GOD. This stuff tastes like a bottle full of ass juice…with a hint of lemon. Eww, now I've got that aftertaste of Splenda and Lemon…with a hint of ass. Gah.

10:04 a.m.(PST) - What the hell!? I'm getting hot flashes and my stomach feels like two little Jackie Chan's are having a free for all in there...ugh. Is this what it feels like to be Asian? I don't notice any sudden martial arts skills, nor is my ability so speak English or drive a car impaired.

10:57 a.m. (PST) - Ok. This stuff SUCKS. With a capital FUCKING. I feel horrible, I was a little jittery for about 5 minutes, and now I can't get that Splenda taste out of my mouth. However, I think my math skills have improved and I now have a sudden afinity for import cars and flat chested women with Hello Kitty backpacks.

13:00 (PST) – Hai-yah! I mean, uh, not really feeling any more “energized” than I did this morning. Which is to say, Konichiwa!...whoa, I mean not at all. I definitely feel different, though. My hair seems to be much smoother and manageable. I’ve also having strange urges to jump over cars, and engage in intricately choreographed fight scenes with my co workers. Me love you long time!

Overall: At 99 cents for a pack of 3 tubes, you definitely get your money's worth. Tastes like juice from the anus. Didn't know I would turn Asian in less than 4 hours. Increase in my martial arts skill is appreciated, though useless in the office. Strange craving for pigs feet.

*Further updates as the day progresss...gah.


Kyddryn said...

Hmm...I like Jackie Chan, but I don't think I'd drink that tea. It looks a little...scary.

I have a Noid. Truly. A little three inch high bendy one. Shut up.

And how do you know what ass tastes like? I'm just wondering...

Shade and Sweetwater,

Anonymous said...

a .99 cent store!! Oh my gawd I was just getting to know you! You will kill yourself for sure... those things are all expired or recalled.

slouchmonkey said...

Have you picked up the violin, yet? Are you craving pig's feet? If so, I'll have my wife send some to you.

Random Musings Of My Life said...

Humm have you tasted anus? I mean I am just saying is all...
Now I got to go get me some 5 hour energy and try it...

Becky said...

Anus juice, mmmmmm.

I wouldn't mind being Asian for awhile. I'm a bit tired of being white.

A Bowl Of Stupid said...

They've got a point, kid. You DID kinda focus on the anal thing in this post.

Hey, not that there's anything wrong with that. We're all your friends here - we would never judge you based on your sexual preferences (umm ..yeah, we would).

SaoirseDaily2 said...

5 hour energy post was just way too funny. Everytime I see their commercial I think I may try it. I might get that garage cleaned or deck painted. Who knows? Have a great weekend. Sure would love to see more pictures of your pup. I finally posted pictures mine.