Thursday, March 20, 2008

With great power comes 3 times the chance for heart failure


I'm sittin' here at my desk, staring at this bottle of Berry Flavor Fusion Instant Energy that I picked up at a local AM/PM. The neon blue wrapper and image of an exploding atom tell me that this can't possibly be good for me. It claims to have "3x Energy Power"…but 3 times more than what? Three times more energy power than the average person? Three times more energy power than a crackhead on a 3 day binge? They say with great power comes great responsibility, but I really don't look good in tights and I shirk responsibility at the earliest opportunity. I don't know if I can handle over 6 hours of power.




The Rundown:
Calories: 8. Eff you, South Beach Diet. Hah!
Sodium: 10mg
Vitamin C: 100mg. Wow, according to the label this is 167% of my Daily Value.
Niacin: 33mg. Glorious, glorious Nia…waitaminute. 165% of my Daily Value?! Color me apprehensive.
Vitamin B6: 40mg. Um, hey folks…that’s 2,000% of my Daily Value. That’s a two and three zero's after it.
Folic Acid: 400mcg. Okay, not so bad. We're at 100% of my Daily Value. Luckily I keep my Folic Acid intake to a minimum. Yeah right.
Vitamin B12: 500mcg. That's not much more than the Folic…oh my sweet Jeebus. 8,333%. Does that make sense to ANYONE??
Phytomic Energy Blend: 2,100mg. According to the label, that includes Taurine, Caffeine, and lots of other stuff with een at the end and more syllables than an East European kid's name.

After reading this, I've deduced that these ingredients are probably 3 times more than a normal human can withstand before being reduced to a quivering sack of liquefied innards. I guess this means I'll get some time off work .

I am officially crapping my pants.

09:00 a.m. (PST) – Doesn’t smell bad. Definitely smells like something berry flavored. Bottoms up: Ugh, tastes like berry flavored Nyquil. It definitely leaves a berry flavored taste of artificial sweetener in your mouth.

09:45 a.m. (PST) - Nothing yet. These types of energy drinks usually hit me within the first 40 minutes. It might be the breakfast I had slowing it down. I have another one sitting on my desk, taunting me. If I get enough votes for it, I'll take the second one just for shits and giggles. And a coronary.

10:20 a.m. (PST) – Ok, this blows. I'm not feeling a damned thing. Looks like three bucks down just went down the crapper. How am I going to explain to my oldest daughter that I blew her college fund on a bad energy drink? Hold the phone. As I'm typing this my stomach started to flutter and my hands are getting a bit tingly. Maybe this just takes longer to kick in. I'll update again soon.

11:25 A.M. (pst) – Alright folks, we have another dud. I do feel slightly more alert, but definitely no elevated mood, no rapid heartbeat, no rush of blood to the face or any extremities whatsoever, and the tingly sensation from earlier dissipated almost as fast as it came on.

Overall: Three bucks officially down the crapper. No super powers developed, and I still don't look good in tights. Avoid this one unless you're unusually susceptible to energy drinks.

3 comments:

Becky said...

Sadness. Oh, sadness.

I had such high expectations for such a vibrantly packaged thing.

A Bowl Of Stupid said...

Good grief! I thought you were only kidding about this whole 'energy-drink myself to death' thing.

But not you, my friend. You've proved your dedication here today ... to what, I've no idea.

I'll be seeing you next month when you wind up in a Bangkok opium den looking for a fix.

Claudia said...

There's tons of this stuff around. Looks like you might even grow a third eye or something if you keep it up!