Fuckin' Chuck Norris!

Sorry for the lack of updates, folks. I've been in kind of a blogging slump as of late. But fear not, for I may have something post worthy after this Monday. You see, I am joining my first ever sport league this Monday. What sport is it, you ask?


Why, dodgeball, of course.

(Let the ball/face jokes commence)

Friday morning nookie

Hah! Got your attention. You're so easy, but that's why I love you in the face. A very dear friend or mine, Girl with Curious Hair, has setup a new blog at Blog Me a Tale of which I and some other far more talented bloggers are contributors to. Each month will have a theme under which we'll be contributing stories. This month (March) is Open Mic, so we're putting up whatever we feel like. I'm sure everyone would appreciate it if you would stop by, check out the great stories that have been posted there thus far and show some support. Plus, the first ones to comment receive *$10,000.00 Disco Dollars and a set of one of those rear window stickers depicting you and all your hellspawn (if any) as hilarious stick figures.


*Exchange rate equal to .00000001 U.S Dollars.

I should totally have my own dating game show. Part II.

Here's the complete exchange regarding the dating issue my Blogger Friend is facing. Reprinted with her permission, and only the names of the innocent have been changed.
This all started with me asking her to check out a post I was preparing for Offsprung.

Me: I'll flesh it out some more before I go home. Speaking of flesh...how's the online dating going? See what I did there? That's called a segue

Blogger friend: It's blah

I think I'm not attracting the right people.

Me: So you're saying you and Peter whatshisface didn't work out? I find that hard to believe, you had such great chemistry. And by "chemistry", I mean he had a chemical imbalance that only your sweet lovin' could cure. Speaking of sweet lovin' (King Segue, they called me), any news on the (friend she likes) front?

Blogger friend: No news. Haven't even talked to him in the past few days, but probably will go see The Bourne Ultimatum with him this weekend. We both love those movies.

I'd take him in a red hot second if I could. But I just can't make the first move. I've already tried and there's no response! So...

Me: Um, hellooooo. Ever heard of booze, (friend)? Sheesh, do I gotta do everything? Alright, here's the plan:

Now here's where I stepped in, as you all read before.

You have (friend) pick you up for the movie at your place. This already sets the date "mood" seeing as how this follows the traditional formula of a guy picking up his date. Wear something slightly revealing, but in a "you gotta work for this, buddy. Kinda" way. Laugh at his jokes, and playfully hitting his arm and saying things like "(Friend she likes)! You're soooo droll, you simply HAVE to visit my summer home". After the film, feign a bit of a chill and slide your arm under his as you walk outside. Never mind if it's 80 degrees out, just pass it off as poor blood circulation. When you get back to your house, offer him a glass of the wine you purchased before he came over. If at all possible, slip some GHB into the wine or simply give him enough wine to make him pass out. Now, here is where we kick things into high gear. While he is passed out, place kiss marks in strategic locations on his person. You might even want to go so far as to place a pair of your "unmentionables" in his pants pocket, to be found later. Be sure you are next to him when he wakes up, wearing something that you could have conceivably put on after a night of vigorous "horizontal mambo-ing".



Now, you're probably wondering, "Manny, I know you're a genius and I'm probably just not capable of comprehending the level of smartness that comes from you, but why go through all this trouble?" The answer is simple. Once he's convinced that he's already shellacked you with his love paint, getting him to actually make a move the next time you go out will be all the easier since he will already believe he's Googled your Yahoo.

Blogger friend: I feel like this is fucking blog worthy.

Which, in my world is like, the highest praise ever. I LOVE this. It's genius AND it's funny.

Me: I'll call it Funius.

Blogger friend: I would seriously put it on the blog, BUT it's about (friend).

However, I wasn't holding out a lot of hope for this witty banter guy on OkCupid, but he's warmed up some and I kinda like him.

Me: (Blogger Friend) and witty banter guy, sittin' in a tree, b-l-o-g-g...i-n-g. So what does he do for a living besides setting your loins on fire?

Blogger friend: No idea!

LOL!

I just went and looked.

He's a student but he graduates soon.

Me: Oooh, that's slippery ground. That means lots of nights at your place or his. But it could force him to be very creative with the date options. Unless he has a trust fund, then you're in luck.

Blogger friend: We'll see. I haven't even MET him yet. JESUS CHRIST, Manny!

Me: I'm just thinking ahead, my dear. You'll thank me you when he calls you and tells you about the date he has planned where you collect pine cones all day and talk about your feelings. Meanwhile, you haven't seen the inside of a restaurant that doesn't have a kids menu in X number of years. Take the journey with me, (blogger friend).

Blogger friend: LOL

I have, actually, been to a nice restaurant, but doing anything in the bedroom? It's in short supply 'round here, sir. SHORT SUPPLY!

Me: There you go! If he asks you out and during the date is obviously trying to impress you with his use of the word "conflate", just look him dead in the eye and tell him "I'm not wearing panties". If he does nothing in the first 2.5 seconds, he's done.

So would you go on a date if he asked you? Would you opt for the safer "Coffee Date", or the more intimate "Dinner and a movie, possibly my panties" date?

Blogger friend: oh def the latter. Hehehe

Me: Whoa! Check out the big balls on (friend)! Woohoooo. I think there is hope for this after all. So when do you think he'll pop the question, so to speak?

Blogger friend: I give him another 4 days. Otherwise, he's toast! I'm not hanging around for the witty banter by itself!

Me: Grrrrrr! You tell em!

Blind date? No, it's just Catarax

Orange County Register

"Senior dating is finally getting its due attention. The AARP now has a page in its magazine devoted to senior dating issues. And currently, a TV network is considering a 13-part series about senior dating."

Um, Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

Look, no one wants to see a show about old people dating. It's saddening enough staring down the barrel of my own age without having to watch two even older people swap stories about Geritol and bed sores. I am perfectly content with the image of old people as dispenser of wisdom and checks for $20 on my birthday. I don't need them "humanized".

I mean, really, the only reason people are gonna watch this show is to see if one of them breaks a hip riding the mechanical bull at Coyote Ugly. That, or they'll force the fogies to go on an "extreme" date that involves sky diving or rock climbing, just to prove how "active" these fossils are, resulting in a coronary mid jump and the subsequent snap, crackle, pop on colliision.

I say, let them remain as they are: Repositories of ancient wisdom, funny anecdotes about Roosevelt, and days spent mowing down Nazi troops.

Offsprung part Deux

Hey folks, apparently their was a problem with Offsprungs site yesterday so the link I posted for my second post was broken. I know, I know, you were heartbroken. But it's fixed now! Rejoice, my vassals! Now go forth and clicketh the linketh and bestow some love upon my codpiece.

Hispanic!At the Disco on Offsprung

Let the shameless self promotion begin

Sorry about the super long post the other day folks.

Well, I know that I promised everyone a review of Spider Man 3, but to be honest with you I don't think there's anything I can add to it that Dustin over at Pajiba hasn't said. Other than to add that if I see another Spider Man movie with a goth Peter Parker and a dance montage, I will shoot the projectionist, find Sam Raimi's house, and beat him to a pulp with his own arm.

And to be honest with you, the day of my birthday was spent at home with the family relaxing and pretty much allowing my brain to retreat to the base of my spine while I slept.

I would like to announce that I'll be doing a guest blog over at Offsprung soon. It's a site dedicated to all things parenting written by some damn funny folks. They've been kind enough to setup a test blog to see how it goes and requested I contribute some posts about parenting and cover parenting issues related to the Hispanic community. So, I'll inform ya'll when the first post is up, so I hope you can stop by and show some support for the Lord of the Disco.

Because I know where you all live.

Cinco De....Meh?

I'll be working on my review of Spiderman 3 tonight along with posting some of the pics from the Cinco De Mayo party at my cousin Ivan's house. I may break the review into it's own post for brevity's sake. It was a surprisingly tame birthday weekend, although I have to admit I called it a night early on Saturday in order to come home and get wrist deep in shrimp shit.....I'll explain in the next post.

In the meantime, check out the comment diversion on Pajiba for your Celebrity Cheat list top 5

Noooooooooooooooooo!

Screenwriting hero Lawrence Kasdan has been tapped to pen "Clash of the Titans" for Warner Bros Pictures. Travis Beacham (Killing on Carnival Row) wrote a draft.

A remake of the 1981 cult classic, the story revolves around Zeus' son, Perseus, and his journey to save Princess Andromeda during which he must complete various tasks set out by Zeus, including capturing Pegasus and slaying Medusa. The original marked the final film on which Ray Harryhausen did special effects.

For Kasdan, "Titans" is his first fantasy-style project since the early 1980s, when he wrote the screenplays for "Return of the Jedi," "The Empire Strikes Back" and "Raiders of the Lost Ark."


Oh for the love of Baby Jesus wrapped in his swaddling clothes, please don't do this. YOu haven't done anything resembling "good" since the freakin' 80's man! I'm all for new and pretty CGI, but come ON! This will forever live in my childhood memories as one of the greatest adventure movies of all time. I still Netflix this whenever I get the hankerin' for that feeling of boyish wonder that you can only get from watching the classic films of your past. And now someone is going to take this, ball it up, piss on it, set it on fire, film it, and ask movie goers to pay to see it.

Fuck you, Kasdan.

I can just see you giving this the Hollywood "reimagining" label they give to any film that they know damn well they are about to hack to pieces 'til the only thing resembling the movie you fell in love with are the names of the characters.

But if they kill off that damned clockwork owl, I might be ok with it. It still gives me nightmares.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm be curled up in the fetal position in the corner, weeping.

I've got a blog in my pants.

By Laura Sessions Stepp
Washington Post Staff Writer
Saturday, April 14, 2007; Page A02

"A long-awaited national study has concluded that abstinence-only sex education, a cornerstone of the Bush administration's social agenda, does not keep teenagers from having sex. Neither does it increase or decrease the likelihood that if they do have sex, they will use a condom".


In related studies, it has been found that depriving yourself of oxygen, water, and food will kill you.


Ummmmmm, DUH!?

Teaching abstinence is like asking Uwe Boll to tone down the suck in his movies. Even if he takes your advice, you've still got a whole lotta suck on your hands. This type of right wing short mindedness is what you would expect from a band aid administration. Abstinence is unequivocally the wrong solution to teen pregnancy. Take it from someone who was a teen when he became a dad. I wish I had one tenth the education on sex and pregnancy that is out there now. I can tell you that if I had gotten stuck in a class preaching (and no, I don't mean teaching. This is a Christian agenda if ever there was one) abstinence, all I would have learned is which chick in class I wanted to bone. There is no real "solution" to this because liking sex is not a disease or some kind of psychological aberration. Teaching our youth how to protect themselves from disease, and unwanted pregnancy is going to be the only way to stem the tide of underage parents.

Those that refuse to accept the fact that teenagers are going to have sex, and lots of it, are naive and just plain foolish. You can't ask a boiling pot of hormones and half formed neural pathways to abstain from dipping their wick's because "God wants you to". Short of lobotomizing every kid once they hit puberty, education about sex and pregnancy, not the omission of it, is the only ammunition we/they have. Our media deifies celebrities with "sex-tapes". Our politicians go on book tours after getting BJ's from interns. Even priests get a pass for fondling little boys.

The point is that our society has become so focused on sex and sexuality that asking kids to flat out ignore sex IS the 600lb Gorilla in the room. Teach them about sex. Educate them on how to use a condom, and why. Show them what life is like as a teen parent, but do NOT criminalize sex itself. That's what the Catholic Church is for, afterall.

But I do not recommend having sex with a 600lb Gorilla, because it would probably rip off both your arms and sodomize you with them. Simultaneously.

Let's discuss. (Abstinence I mean, not sex with a Gorilla....pervs)

Die Another Day

Barry Nelson, an MGM contract player during the 1940s who later had a prolific theater career and was the first actor to play James Bond on screen, has died. He was 89.

Thank you Mr. Nelson for bringing to life one of film's most beloved and revered characters. Your legacy lives on.

Reverse Darwinism

New York Times

GERONIMO, Tex. — Levi Draher, 16, walked to the front of the Navarro High School gym in early March and picked up the microphone before a hushed audience of fellow teenagers.

Levi was found by his mother last Oct. 28, clinically dead, suspended on a rope he had slung across a bunk-bed frame. He had pushed his neck onto the rope, he told the rapt audience, aiming to achieve a surging rush as his brain was starved and then replenished with blood just before the point of unconsciousness.

“I did it because it felt good and I didn’t think I’d get caught,” said Levi, a slow-talking, sardonic skateboarder and hockey player from San Antonio. “Do I consider myself a miracle?” asked Levi, who told the students he had played the game three times before his accident. “Yes, I do.”

What. The. FUCK?!

No, you backwater, bottom feeding, knuckle dragger. You are not, by any stretch of the imagination a miracle. A miracle is a hand grenade landing at your feet and not exploding. A miracle is a bus hitting you at 40 mph and you survive without a scratch. A miracle is Perez Hilton not being crushed by a meteor.

You are evolution's version of "Punk'd". You intentionally choke yourself to get high, almost die and call yourself a miracle. Oh, did anyone catch the fact that this douchebag has done this three times before? Yeah, three times.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah. Fuck you Levi Draher. Your parents should be dragged out into the streat so they can watch you be hung to ensure you don't come back this time. Maybe your 18 year old dad will think twice before putting his seed inside the next uterus that stumbles out of a crack house at 4am.

By the way, if anyone is wondering what that dog is thinking:

Dog: I eat my own feces and I have a higher IQ than this fucktard.

Are you listening God? It's me, Anna.

Location: Heaven

Time: 14:16 PST

Anna: Oooooh, mah head. Whoa, where am I?

Voice: You're in Heaven, Anna.

Anna: Heaven? Are you sure? I mean...

Voice: Yes, yes, we think admissions had a clerical error . But until we resolve it, we're stuck, er, I mean you will remain here, Ms. Smith.

Anna: Well, alright. So, um, are you, like, God or some junk?

Voice: (Laughing) No, no. I'm Joe, God's P.A. He's over in admissions unleashing Holy Terror. I wouldn't wanna be in that office right now!!

Anna: Oh, alright. So what do I do now?

Joe: Well, we've got some time to kill...oops! Sorry about that.....

Anna: S'okay...

Joe: Why don't we chit chat a bit. Hey, are those real??

Anna: What, you don't know? Here *lifts shirt*

Joe: Ohhhhh, snap! I knew they were fake! St. Peter soooo owes me $20!

Anna: Whatever....so who's this Peter dude?

Joe: He's kinda like the second in command up here, the guys L-O-A-D-E-D.

Anna: Really? Is he single?

Joe: Why? What did you.....heyyyyyyy.

Anna: Ah'm Just askin'......

(Phone rings)

Joe: Hello? Oh, Hey Peter.....yup, you owe me man. Pay up, bitch! Hah!

Anna: (Ass)

Joe: Oh, they figured it out, huh? No shit?! Really? Sweeeeet. Alright, I'll let her know. Peace out, bro.

Anna: What's goin' on?

Joe: Well, it looks like they got that clerical error all figured out. Looks like Satan received our toner for the new copier and we got, well......you.

Anna: So what does that mean? Do I gotta go to hell?

Joe: Well, you aint gotta go home, but you got to get the hell outta here....I love saying that!!

Anna: Hey, wait....AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

You won't like me when I'm angry

Angry responses give some people pleasure: study
Thu Mar 15, 2007 4:46PM EDT

Reuters

"NEW YORK (Reuters Life!) - Some people just love to tease and researchers think they have found out why.

They believe people who goad others to incite an angry response may have an unconscious need for power linked to high testosterone levels.

Testosterone is a male sex hormone that is also produced in women. Scientists at the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor found that angry expressions are rewarding for some, which could explain why certain people like to tease others so much.

"Individuals who are high in testosterone, a hormone that is usually a biological marker of a need for dominance, love to do things that make other people at least fleetingly angry," said Professor Oliver Schultheiss, a co-author of the study."


No shit.

Half the garbage that flies out of my head fast enough to take the gloss of Paris Hilton's nose is said with 100% certainty that someone may/will /damn-well-better take offense at what I'm saying. My girlfriend can attest to this. I enjoy taking a position diametrically opposed to someones statement in order to see what facts or theories they support it with.

Then the fun starts.

Nothing like telling a Christian that you have a problem with a theory who's claim to fame is that it's based on a fables cobbled together in a book written by someone that didn't know jack shit. Flaming bushes that talk? The idea that it just so happened that two of every damn animal species on this planet were within walking distance of Noah's garage? Bullshit.

Oh, and in case you're wondering, yes I think your baby is ugly. Have you looked in a mirror lately? You look like someone took a Louisville Slugger made from the wood of the ugly tree and used your head for a pinata. What did you think you're kid was gonna look like?! Brad fuckin' Pitt?

What anger? Fuck off.

Tyler Perry must be stopped-Movie "review" of Daddy's Little Girls

Let met get some demographics out of the way first:

1. Member of a minority group (unless you live in California)
2. Single dad with custody of two daughters
3. I'm 30 (but a dashingly handsome 30, if I do say so myself)
4. I have not seen this movie (but based on his track record, I can describe the plot with my tongue tied behind my back)
5. My fiance owns the entire Tyler Perry affliction, er, I mean collection.

I think I speak with some authority when it comes to Tyler Perry. I was never a fan of his until my now fiance introduced me to the Madea character via the DVD of Madea's Family Reunion (the play). I can honestly say that I enjoyed the films comedic elements. It definitely smacks you over the head with a hot off the press copy of the Bible though. Nothing against organized religion, but I'll take my theology a la carte. I don't really need a spittoon full of "Amens" and "Praise the Lord"...I get it, they love them some Jeebus.

Where was I headed with this?

Oh yeah,....if you have seen one Tyler Perry play or film, you have pretty much seen them all. Black woman with low self esteem marries rich abusive black man, black man leaves/cheats on said black woman, black woman meets working class black Uber Christian with rock hard abs who wisks her away to a middle class life. You can sprinkle in some dysfunctional kids, cross dressing producers, and fugly co stars that can't act their way out of a paper bag, but it all turns out the same.

I have to admit, Tyler Perry hates him some successfull black men. Apparently the size of your bank account directly impacts the depravity in your soul. By my estimation Tyler Perry must keep a gaggle of retarded, starving Taiwanese children in his basement that he repeatedly assaults with copies of his plays as he proceeds to eat half of a meal and throws the rest into a garbage disposal. So, by all means, plunk down your hard earned money to see this film, but know this......for every ticket you buy Tyler Perry feeds a cute little bunny to rabid Koala bears.

Why haven't we figured it out?

I'll be honest. I used to frequent the Perez Hilton site in it's earlier days when there were actual pieces of inside information to be found there. Whether it was actual insider info or something he gleaned from another site, I don't know but there it was. Some little bit of priveledged info that gave you the feeling that YOU were the insider. You were part of that elite circle of celebrity. You could almost taste the food at Ivy and see the flashes from paparazzi cameras.

After a while though, something changed. Maybe my sensibilities became more refined. Perhaps there was a shift in my core beliefs. More likely I just realized what a colossal, juvenile douche bag this "star" fucking parasite was. The puerile drawings on pictures, calling someone a slut one week and "fabulous" the next. Somehow managing to say nothing at all about certain celeb's that he would regularly rip into before. It all just seemed to click one day, along with a profound sense of guilt for actually contributing to this thunder cunts hit count.

My fiance continues to frequent his site, though I have not. I don't hold it against her, and won't. It just isn't my cup of tea anymore. I've completely sworn off the site, and am proud to say I'm three months clean now. Everyday is a struggle though, but due mainly to the fact that I want to rip into him whenever he proclaims that the Olsen crack twins are " tres chic!" or "beautiful!" The self serving, attention whore that is Perez Hilton is truly a blight on American culture. It's celebrity for celebrity's sake. I would rather spend they day debating the directorial skills of Tyler Perry with an urban Christian church pastor than read another insipid "blog" from this blithering jizz monger.