Thursday, April 12, 2007

An open letter to Salma Hayek

Re: Article from Ain't It Cool News

"MGM has partnered with Salma Hayek to form Ventanazul (Blue Window), a production shingle that will develop, produce, and acquire feature projects within (roughly) a $5 million to $25 million range."

My dear Salma,

I would like to be the first to congratulate you on your recent success in partnering with MGM. It demonstrates a level of foresight and confidence on the part of the studios that I normally would not give them credit for.

For as long as I can remember I have been a fan of your body. Of work. Every time I have viewed one of your films, I feel like I am penetrating deep into your soul. Now that you are riding atop your own production company, I am comforted by the thought that you will be thrusting your visions into the public. I hope to see many of your projects splash across the silver screen and that you can serve as a positive Latin American figure in today's entertainment industry for many years to come.

On a more personal note, I want to do things to you that would be illegal in 48 states and most of central Europe. I mean, if you can partner with MGM why not MMM? Those would be my initials by the way. I'm sure that you would more benefits in partnering with me than you would a large studio:

1. I'm more than willing to commit to producing several "amateur" features with you. These can be strategically "leaked" to various media outlets to coincide with your higher profile releases.

2. I can guarantee that our "amateur" film releases would be seen by all of my MySpace "friends" who would then share them with their "friends", creating a widespread Internet "buzz" prior to a film release. Thus saving several million dollars on conventional advertising.

3. I have no issues with doing a three way with you and Penelope Cruz. I'm just sayin'.

In closing, I would just like to reiterate that your continued success and unflagging dedication to quality cinema is an inspiration to us all. You can count on my ongoing support of any of your future projects.

Please have sex with me.



Maxine Dangerous said...

Mmm. (Not your initials. :)) Salma. Yes please.

litelysalted said...

Uhh oh. What's the old lady gonna say when she hears of this? I am still waiting for Mr. Salted's inevitable reaction to my public confession that I fantasize about making out with Jared Padalecki.

Manny said...

Yeah, this didn't go over so well last night.....I mean, come on, it's not like Salma reads my blog when people are around. She (Salma) and I have a very open relationship and are simply waiting for her extremely rich hubby to kick the bucket. What's wrong with that?

litelysalted said...

There's nothing wrong with that! When you marry Salma you can keep the old lady around on the sly, in her own 2.3 million dollar condo. All you have to do is tell Salma you need the cash to buy some diamond studded toilet paper or something. She'll never know the diff.

But it's over between me and Jared, let me tell you. Although I guess I don't have to, my post yesterday probably covered it well enough.

slouchmonkey said...

"Oh Manny! I love you!" This is Salma. I'm posting a comment from slouchmonkey's account. I slipped out of bed and am standing naked in soft blue morning light. The monkey's laptop was open. You're so right, I only read your blog, alone. Alone. Oh Manny! Manny... how I love you.

Manny said... me?

Anonymous said...

Dear Manny,

bite me.

~Mrs. Disco

Manny said...

Ohh boy

slouchmonkey said...

An Open Letter to Mrs. Disco,

Dear Mrs. Disco,

I'm a cheeky monkey. A slouchmonkey. And, i certainly didn't mean to get Manny in hot water.

He's a funny man and I enjoy reading his work. You're a lucky woman!



Anonymous said...

Dear Slouch,

Oh no, I'm not worried at all. Who could be, with such a spectacular poon???


Mrs. Disco