OC News Roundup

Is there a Merit Badge for Grand Theft Auto?

When I was in the Boy Scouts (shut up, TK), we got our kicks from archery class, learning how to start a camp fire, and the lingering stares of our Scout Master. I guess kids these days need a bigger rush than you would get from trying to not be the last one in the showers. OC Register.

Get your hands off my pussy

You know, I’ve been known to give my dog a rub down when he’s had a rough day of laying on the couch, having only a dish full of food and water and a floor full of toys to play with, but I draw the line when it comes to cats. Those smarmy, pissy little bastards certainly don’t deserve a $50/hour rub down from some septuagenarian with too much time on her hands. Helps with digestion? What the fuck are they feeding their cats? Filet Mignon? OC Register.

Send in the clown’s Crash cart

I dunno about any of you, but I have never had a clown at any of my previous birthday parties, and I’m not really sure if I would’ve wanted to if there were the chance that he might (OC Register):

A) Keel over dead from making balloon animals
B) Have Vietnam flashbacks every time a balloon popped
C) Ask to sit on my lap and tell me about the time he and Nixon walked on the moon
D) All of the above

Plus, the dude is fucking scary looking! I mean, if I wanna make some kids cry I’ll just do what I normally do:I tell them Santa Claus is dead and that we ate the Easter Bunny for dinner last night. Mmmmm, toasty.



Currently listening to: Your lingering cries for help.

Your future is in my hands, America

Just thought I'd let ya'll know that little ol' me will be directly responsible for determining the course of our country this election.

I just submitted my application to be the supervisor of a polling location in Orange County for the upcoming primaries on June 3rd. Why, you ask?

WHY?! Because this country has lost its way! WHY?! We’ve become a gaggle of directionless, mewling sheep! WHY?! We'll happily give anyone their fifteen minutes of fame as long as it will distract us from the gaping black pits that are our lives. Anyone with a debilitating heroine addiction, a vagina the size of the Chrysler building, or a talentless MySpace whore can instantly be rocketed to stardom as long as they give us a few fleeting moments of escape…WHY?!

...I’ll get $130.00 on top of my regular pay.

Godtopus Bless America!

Quickies

I love me some hot wings, but this guy has a problem.

You know, any thing that ends with a metal spike in your ass is never good....but it sure is funny.

The Department of Evil wants you....dead. The Onion

My money's on Elmer Fudd. Orange County Register

Jesus had kung fu action grip?

Squeezable saints
Appalled by today's role models, Teri O'Toole makes religiously themed toys that "set an example"
By GWENDOLYN DRISCOLL
The Orange County Register

Get yours today! Available while supplies last! Order now!

You don't wanna be the only one without your Jesus plush doll when your savior comes a-callin'! You can't prove your faith without it! Is he God made flesh or the Son of God? Who cares when you can defeat all the forces of COBRA with just one Jesus doll!

Your Jesus doll comes complete with the following:

Kung Fu grip for beating the crap out of non-believers!
Inflatable sandals to keep his feet dry for those long walks ON the water!
Saintly aura! (Batteries not included)
Red dye for turning water into wine! (kids, ask your parents permission before turning water into wine)
Hidden compartments for storing extra fish and loaves of bread!

Coming soon!

Emo Jesus
Stylin' Mary Magdalen
Super Spy Judas