Wednesday, May 2, 2007

Puttin' the "F-U" in funeral!

In the wake of Chez's post regarding the anniversary of his brain worm surgery, and my own daughter having her appendix out, I've given a lot (meaning absolutely zero) of thought to what kind of funeral I would like to have on that earth shattering day that I depart this mortal coil. There are a multitude of rituals to mourn/celebrate the passing of a loved one to a hopefully "better place":

Sometimes the Japanese would kill the wives and animals for the newly deceased? It was so the dead wouldn't be lonely (Pleeeeez tell me there is a loophole that includes ex-wives, yet excludes Shih-Tzus.)

The traditional Irish wakes were always played with loud music to keep evil spirits from possessing the newly deceased (I always thought that was to drown out the sound of their own projectile vomit....go figure).

When a Viking died, he was buried w/ all of his armour and his horse just in case he met with battle on the other side (Do my "UnderArmour" boxer briefs count?).

The Bongas buried their men with their faces to the North and their women with their faces to the South (nothin' says "lovin'" like a vaj full of!).

I do know that I definitely don't want a somber, weepy affair with jarring floral arrangements. I would hope that it would be a more upbeat event, with friends and family sharing anecdotes about my personality quirks and sexual prowess.

I have shared with those close to me (I'm looking at you, Mrs. Disco) that one stipulation in my burial be that my corpse be made to sit amongst the mourners, with various pulleys and cable systems connected to simulate life like movement. Why should I miss out in my own party just cuz' I'm dead? If I can't shake my rotting corpses ass to "My Humps", then the terrorists have already one, dammit.

Unless I'm cremated, that is. In that case I would want my ashes sprinkled over some bacon wrapped scallops. Take a little bit of The Disco home with you!! .....And then get dysentery.

Should I have the midget rock band "Pocket Rocket" playing covers of Misfits songs? I'm just sayin'.


Jayne said...

are you aware that you and my malcontent have the same funeral wishes?

weird, man.

TK said...

I have no funeral wishes. I'm dead. Bury me, burn me, tie me to the back of an El Camino and drag me through the streets with a shovel stuck up my ass. It matters not.

All I know is I'm coming to your funeral drunk on bourbon and dressed in a clown suit.

And that funeral is closer than you think.

Tisha! said...

I love your idea of being life like amongst the crowd that would surely freak them out!

oh by the way for the lit page anything that falls into that category from comedy to erotica *wink*