Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Fatal Overdose


AP-3/14/2007


Atlanta, Ga


Jerome Wilkins was found dead yesterday afternoon by local citizens on their way to church. After several attempts to awaken Mr. Wilkins, paramedics were called to the scene where they immediately attempted to revive him. After several failed attempts, medics declared Mr. Wilkins dead. The apparent cause was an overdose of what appeared to be fried chicken and watermelon. Police were promptly called to the scene, which they quickly formed a perimeter around to preserve the scene.


Police officer Sanders issued a statement later that evening to the gathered press, detailing "...an ongoing investigation into the cause of death...with a possible connection to an underground crime figures known only as 'The Colonel' and "Mickey D" ...." of Mr. Wilkins. Further investigation on the part of local press revealed 3 similar deaths. All seemed to take place within 3 miles of both a local eating establishment and a small fruit stand run by an Atlanta resident. When asked to make a statement, the owner of the fruit stand simply stated, "I'm providing a service to everyone, I haven't done anything illegal. If you want to see who's breakin' the law, ask the Colonel and Mickey D what they put in their fuckin' food!"


AP attempted to reach the management of the eating establishments known as "The Colonel's" and Clown Burger, but our calls and emails have yet to be returned.


The family of Jerome Wilkins is crying out for justice. Latonya Jackson, Wilkins live in girlfriend and mother of 2 of his 6 children, made her own statement to the press: "These defs have gawn on fo' too longs. My cousin Pookie OD'd a munf ago, and we still ain't know who did it. I tell you who did it, the Mutha Fuckin' Colonel, dat's who!" When asked to clarify who she believed this "Colonel" was, Latonya is quoted as saying "I've said too much to ya'lls already. I's dead."


A local man by the name of "Smokey" provided AP with this photo taken shortly before Mr. Wilkin's body was taken away by the coroner.

3 comments:

cinders said...

Holy shit. Am I allowed to laugh this hard?

Manny said...

Yes Cinders, you are. In fact it is strongly encouraged, along with monetary donations and or compromising photos of yourself with a midget.

Anonymous said...

racist stereotypes?? not funny
how about beans and rice taco people, thats not funny either.