Friday morning nookie

Hah! Got your attention. You're so easy, but that's why I love you in the face. A very dear friend or mine, Girl with Curious Hair, has setup a new blog at Blog Me a Tale of which I and some other far more talented bloggers are contributors to. Each month will have a theme under which we'll be contributing stories. This month (March) is Open Mic, so we're putting up whatever we feel like. I'm sure everyone would appreciate it if you would stop by, check out the great stories that have been posted there thus far and show some support. Plus, the first ones to comment receive *$10,000.00 Disco Dollars and a set of one of those rear window stickers depicting you and all your hellspawn (if any) as hilarious stick figures.


*Exchange rate equal to .00000001 U.S Dollars.

Wherein I get pwned by a moon bounce

Seeing as how I seem to somehow have attracted some new readers (and I'm both lazy and have nothing new to post), I thought that I would repost the video that made me the Internet juggernaut that I am today. But first let me set this up for you n00bs: The video was taken at the birthday party for my cousin's daughter. My cousin and I were on the roof after having strung up a piñata for the kids, and were looking for a way down as the ladder used to get up was a bit to short to climb down onto. Naturally, the bounce house that was so conveniently setup for the kids provided both a soft landing, and YouTube material.

And now, for your viewing pleasure I give to you…me.

It's raining Puerto Ricans
Uploaded by mannmartinez

Monday Office Haiku

Monkey swings on branch.
Why does the hippo hate me?
Printer ink in eye.

Doctor can save me
Prostate can kill a man in time
Why is finger brown?

Two men in a boat
Food cannot last much longer
Two men and one cup?

Sun sets over me
The ocean is on fire
Skin cancer's a bitch.

With great power comes 3 times the chance for heart failure

I'm sittin' here at my desk, staring at this bottle of Berry Flavor Fusion Instant Energy that I picked up at a local AM/PM. The neon blue wrapper and image of an exploding atom tell me that this can't possibly be good for me. It claims to have "3x Energy Power"…but 3 times more than what? Three times more energy power than the average person? Three times more energy power than a crackhead on a 3 day binge? They say with great power comes great responsibility, but I really don't look good in tights and I shirk responsibility at the earliest opportunity. I don't know if I can handle over 6 hours of power.




The Rundown:
Calories: 8. Eff you, South Beach Diet. Hah!
Sodium: 10mg
Vitamin C: 100mg. Wow, according to the label this is 167% of my Daily Value.
Niacin: 33mg. Glorious, glorious Nia…waitaminute. 165% of my Daily Value?! Color me apprehensive.
Vitamin B6: 40mg. Um, hey folks…that’s 2,000% of my Daily Value. That’s a two and three zero's after it.
Folic Acid: 400mcg. Okay, not so bad. We're at 100% of my Daily Value. Luckily I keep my Folic Acid intake to a minimum. Yeah right.
Vitamin B12: 500mcg. That's not much more than the Folic…oh my sweet Jeebus. 8,333%. Does that make sense to ANYONE??
Phytomic Energy Blend: 2,100mg. According to the label, that includes Taurine, Caffeine, and lots of other stuff with een at the end and more syllables than an East European kid's name.

After reading this, I've deduced that these ingredients are probably 3 times more than a normal human can withstand before being reduced to a quivering sack of liquefied innards. I guess this means I'll get some time off work .

I am officially crapping my pants.

09:00 a.m. (PST) – Doesn’t smell bad. Definitely smells like something berry flavored. Bottoms up: Ugh, tastes like berry flavored Nyquil. It definitely leaves a berry flavored taste of artificial sweetener in your mouth.

09:45 a.m. (PST) - Nothing yet. These types of energy drinks usually hit me within the first 40 minutes. It might be the breakfast I had slowing it down. I have another one sitting on my desk, taunting me. If I get enough votes for it, I'll take the second one just for shits and giggles. And a coronary.

10:20 a.m. (PST) – Ok, this blows. I'm not feeling a damned thing. Looks like three bucks down just went down the crapper. How am I going to explain to my oldest daughter that I blew her college fund on a bad energy drink? Hold the phone. As I'm typing this my stomach started to flutter and my hands are getting a bit tingly. Maybe this just takes longer to kick in. I'll update again soon.

11:25 A.M. (pst) – Alright folks, we have another dud. I do feel slightly more alert, but definitely no elevated mood, no rapid heartbeat, no rush of blood to the face or any extremities whatsoever, and the tingly sensation from earlier dissipated almost as fast as it came on.

Overall: Three bucks officially down the crapper. No super powers developed, and I still don't look good in tights. Avoid this one unless you're unusually susceptible to energy drinks.

Jackie Chan wants me dead

Okey dokey folks. Seeing as how the last little experiment didn't kill me, next on the list is the XGT Energy Green Tea (with "natural lemon flavor"?)Drink Mix featuring none other than the drunken master himself, Jackie Chan. I found this little gem at a local 99 cent store, so that should be my first clue. The second would be that the tag line on the packaging is "Tea with a Kick!" Oy vey.

The packaging is giving me mixed messages: either I'm going to be attacked by a diminutive Asian man with a bad haircut, or I'm going to turn into a diminutive Asian man with a bad haircut as soon as I mix this with a bottle of water.

The Rundown:
Vitamin B2 – 10%
Vitamin B3 – 10%
Vitamin B5 – 10%
Vitamin B6 – 10%
Vitamin B12 – 10%
Vitamin C – 100%
Ginseng
Taurine
Green Tea Extract – Which is high in "flavonoid antioxidants", according to the packaging. Anybody remember The 'Noid from those old Domino's Pizza Commercials? Little fucker creeped me the hell out. Maybe this will help keep him from ruining my enjoyment of Domino's Pizza…if I (or anyone) were actually capable of enjoying Domino's Pizza.

SO, I've got enough B vitamins to start my own pharmacy, along with Ginseng and some more Bull Sperm. Yay me.

09:01 a.m. (PST) Bottoms up: OH. MY. GOD. This stuff tastes like a bottle full of ass juice…with a hint of lemon. Eww, now I've got that aftertaste of Splenda and Lemon…with a hint of ass. Gah.

10:04 a.m.(PST) - What the hell!? I'm getting hot flashes and my stomach feels like two little Jackie Chan's are having a free for all in there...ugh. Is this what it feels like to be Asian? I don't notice any sudden martial arts skills, nor is my ability so speak English or drive a car impaired.

10:57 a.m. (PST) - Ok. This stuff SUCKS. With a capital FUCKING. I feel horrible, I was a little jittery for about 5 minutes, and now I can't get that Splenda taste out of my mouth. However, I think my math skills have improved and I now have a sudden afinity for import cars and flat chested women with Hello Kitty backpacks.

13:00 (PST) – Hai-yah! I mean, uh, not really feeling any more “energized” than I did this morning. Which is to say, Konichiwa!...whoa, I mean not at all. I definitely feel different, though. My hair seems to be much smoother and manageable. I’ve also having strange urges to jump over cars, and engage in intricately choreographed fight scenes with my co workers. Me love you long time!

Overall: At 99 cents for a pack of 3 tubes, you definitely get your money's worth. Tastes like juice from the anus. Didn't know I would turn Asian in less than 4 hours. Increase in my martial arts skill is appreciated, though useless in the office. Strange craving for pigs feet.


*Further updates as the day progresss...gah.

That sound you hear is my heart exploding. Weee!

So, here goes. I walked into my corner 7-Eleven last night to pick up what is surely going to be the first nail in my coffin. I didn’t make a straight line to the cash register, instead I wandered around the store aimlessly, fiddling with magazines, looking at the expiration dates on prepackaged sandwiches and burritos, and trying to see if they still carried the good porno mag’s I remembered.

Anyway, here’s the rundown on what goes into this shot of Satan’s Urine:

Vitamin B6 – It's used in the creation of DNA! Maybe if I mix this in my kid’s chemistry kit I can finally create that super stripper I’ve been working on.
Vitamin B12 – Someone got an award for studying it!
Niacin – Apparently, it can cause itchiness and skin redness…this can't be good.
Folic Acid – Another DNA maker! Rise, Chastity, rise! Bwahahahahahaaaaaaa!
Citicoline (?) – Apparently, this does all kinds of good stuff for the brains. Wai thu hell wood Eye neeed dat?
Tyrosine – A "mood elevator"? Now THIS has possibilities.
Phenylalanine – Is it bad/good that this thing has TWO mood elevators?
Taurine – Good ol' Taurine. Someone once told me that it comes from bull sperm. I’m obviously ignoring that person.
Malic Acid – Helps remove aluminum and phosphorous from the body. I've really got to cut back on eating soda cans apparently.
Glucuronolactone – Sounds like a Klingon that's Lactose intolerant. Hey-o!
Caffeine – Hey! A word I can actually pronounce. My Doctologist said caffeine is better than milk.



09:00 a.m. (PST) – Opened bottle and took a whiff. Yup, smells like Satan’s urine alright. Having second thoughts about this. Oh well, all in the name of scientifical stuff (and traffic). Bottoms up.

09:34 a.m. (PST) - My hands are all tingly and I feel kinda hot (and not in the "I'm wearing a thong" way). Feel a bit "amped" but not the cracked out kind of amped I thought I'd be.

10:10 a.m. (PST) - Cracked out, meet Manny. Manny, cracked out. Seriously, folks, I could run the L.A. Marathon right now, die from heart failure, and I wouldn't even know I was dead. Wooooohooooo! This is life! Fuckin' aye! Rock on! WOooooohOOooooo!

11:40 a.m. (PST) – Still feel pretty amped. So far so good. The tingly sensation in my hands comes and goes. My heart's beating faster than TK in the bathroom at an all midget topless review. I'm in a pretty good right now, so those double doses of mood elevators are obviously working.

1:50 p.m. (PST) – Everyone at work has been asking me why I was in such a good mood…fuckers. Feeling kinda' tired now. I guess they weren't kidding about the whole "5 hour" thing. God damned sunsabitches. Life sucks. Puppies suck. I hate babies. There's no such thing as love. I hope you're all happy now, I think I'm hooked on those mood elevators. Any one got a Red Bull? Monster? How about a spoonful of coffee grounds?

Fuckers.

Overall: At $3.29 for a 2oz bottle, the standard flavor tasted like Satan's pee, but went down just as easily. Stayed true to its promise of 5 hour energy, although I was left feeling hollow and alone. Could have used a hug at the four hour fifty nine minute mark. Loved the mood elevators, but I may need to attend an N.A. meeting or go into rehab if I keep this up.

The more you suffer, the more it shows you really care...right?

My never ending quest to conquer the interwebs continues, people. I’ve decided to horn in on Marvo’s territory and dip my dainty little toe into the welcoming waters of product review. In case you’re wondering, the answer is "No"; I’m not getting paid and or compensated for this. So why am I doing it, you ask? Because I love you like a fat kid loves cake. Like Rosie O’Donnell loves eating newborn babies. Like Britney Spears loves riding paparazzi schlong, Lindsay Lohan loves schlong covered in coke, and Perez Hilton loves, well, just schlong in general (suck on THAT, Google Search).

Starting on Monday, I will be subjecting my finely chiseled physique to various energy boosting supplements on a daily basis. First on the list will be various "5 Hour" energy drinks. Yeah, you know the ones. The little bottles hovering at the liquor store counter, praying on your impulse shopping compulsion, just sitting in their little racks, all cozy and warm with promises of all day energy and enough Niacin to give a rhino a heart attack. Also, I’ll be ingesting those "Nitro 2 Go" pill packs, with the crackhead packaging and vaguely illegal look about them.

I’ll ingest one of these energy boosting products at the beginning of my work day and updating this blog with my physical condition throughout the day. At the end of the day I’ll post a summary of the products overall effect and my opinion of said item.

Should one of my posts start off fine and turn into "…at around 12:00 I began to feell aguikmdngolkdgaljdk;aaa smd[0q UWIJ…", that means I just had a heart attack and I’m face down on my keyboard. Please call an ambulance.