Makes me wanna sing

With the permission of the Bunkum Brothers I'm posting lyrics to a song of theirs that I find particularly fitting these days in light of recent events that have stirred our fine media into a frenzy.....and cuz I wanna drive some goddamn traffic my way. Without further delay, the lyrics to "Dear Lindsay Lohan" by the Bunkem Brothers.

Dear Lindsay Lohan

(m. carter)

Lindsay Lohan, where do you think you're goin' now?
You drink and you dance, you got ants in your pants so I'm told
But I'm afraid to say that, honey, someday you'll grow old

Paris Hilton, have you ever read John Milton, girl?
He wrote Paradise Lost in which Satan gets tossed down to Hell
And it occurs to me that it's a story you know well

Twins of Olsen, you were such sweet and wholesome girls
You succeeded so young, living two lives in one, now you've grown
But if you do the math that means you're older than Sharon Stone

Ashlee Simpson, don't come undone my friend
Sure your sister is hot and we all know you're not so you're blue
But the sands of time will make her ugly just like you

Lindsay Lohan, sweetie, what do you think you're showin' us?
With a click and a flash they always cause you to crash, what a world
But someday soon they'll be chasing a younger girl

Lindsay, baby, you know you're gonna get old

Feel free to stop by their site, where you can actually hear each of the songs on their new CD "Love Songs", including my personal favorite, "Excuse Me Miss".

Quickies

I love me some hot wings, but this guy has a problem.

You know, any thing that ends with a metal spike in your ass is never good....but it sure is funny.

The Department of Evil wants you....dead. The Onion

My money's on Elmer Fudd. Orange County Register

Attack of the Clone

I have new post up over at Offsprung. I'll be out of commission for a while as I'll be meeting some friends, trying not to be killed in my sleep by a houseguest, and running my debit card into the ground.

Hispanic! At The Disco on Offsprung

Also, let me know if you like the new layout here at the original Disco.

Blind date? No, it's just Catarax

Orange County Register

"Senior dating is finally getting its due attention. The AARP now has a page in its magazine devoted to senior dating issues. And currently, a TV network is considering a 13-part series about senior dating."

Um, Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

Look, no one wants to see a show about old people dating. It's saddening enough staring down the barrel of my own age without having to watch two even older people swap stories about Geritol and bed sores. I am perfectly content with the image of old people as dispenser of wisdom and checks for $20 on my birthday. I don't need them "humanized".

I mean, really, the only reason people are gonna watch this show is to see if one of them breaks a hip riding the mechanical bull at Coyote Ugly. That, or they'll force the fogies to go on an "extreme" date that involves sky diving or rock climbing, just to prove how "active" these fossils are, resulting in a coronary mid jump and the subsequent snap, crackle, pop on colliision.

I say, let them remain as they are: Repositories of ancient wisdom, funny anecdotes about Roosevelt, and days spent mowing down Nazi troops.

Offsprung part Deux

Hey folks, apparently their was a problem with Offsprungs site yesterday so the link I posted for my second post was broken. I know, I know, you were heartbroken. But it's fixed now! Rejoice, my vassals! Now go forth and clicketh the linketh and bestow some love upon my codpiece.

Hispanic!At the Disco on Offsprung

Offsprung

Behold, lovers of all things Disco, I hath gone forth and mulitplied. I have begun posting over at Offsprung, so please feel free to neglect your jobs, family, and whatever deity you worship to head on over there and leave some comments for the Lord of the Disco:

Hispanic! at the Disco on Offsprung

God it up, people.

Explosm

To the death? No.....to the pain.

Sorry for the delay in a new post folks. It was a busy weekend at The Disco: Friday night was spent planning for a visit from a few friends coming to town this week. Closing ceremonies for my daughters' softball teams were on Saturday, and as part of an ongoing effort to plumb the depths of my non-existent tolerance for pain, I made an appointment to get a tattoo. That's right bitches! The Lord of the Disco got inked up! Who needs to got to prison for one when you can remain part of society and pay an ex con to shove ink under your skin by poking your skin several thousand times with an electric needle?! Thanks to the good folks over at English Ink, I can now feel that much more "street" when I'm shopping at Target.

I'm sure no one wants to hear about my weeekend, so I'll get write down to the nitty gritty. Here is the picture of my first tattoo. The gems in the crown are the birthstone of Mrs. Disco. Hopefully this buys me at least 2 hours of uninterrupted time with my PS2. If not, them I'm covering it up with a giant mushroom.

Also, I will be posting the first of two posts over at Offsprung later this evening so feel free to check it out tomorrow morning. The good folks over there have been kind enough to let me contribute some of the vast (but mostly useless) parenting knowledge that I have rolling around in my head.....I weep for our children.

Editor's note: My girlfriend got a matching tattoo with my birthstones on her lower back the day before. And I don't mean in bed, Hay-o!

Editor's note to editor's note: I'm an editor!

One step closer to a "Pre-Crime" unit

News.com

Gonzales proposes new crime: 'Attempted' copyright infringement

Posted by Declan McCullagh
Attorney General Alberto Gonzales is pressing the U.S. Congress to enact a sweeping intellectual-property bill that would increase criminal penalties for copyright infringement, including "attempts" to commit piracy.

"To meet the global challenges of IP crime, our criminal laws must be kept updated," Gonzales said during a speech before the U.S. Chamber of Commerce in Washington on Monday.

The Bush administration is throwing its support behind a proposal called the Intellectual Property Protection Act of 2007, which is likely to receive the enthusiastic support of the movie and music industries, and would represent the most dramatic rewrite of copyright law since a 2005 measure dealing with prerelease piracy.

Here are some of the bullets on this bit of Big Brother Legislation:

Criminalize "attempting" to infringe copyright
-Don't even think about burning that new Nine Inch Nails album...Oh, you did think about it? Turn around sir and face the vehicle, hands behind your back.

Create a new crime of life imprisonment for using pirated software-
-Because any accountant using a burned copy of "Turbo Tax" should have his testicles fed to him.

Require Homeland Security to alert the Recording Industry Association of America
-Hey, Sony? Yeah, we got those copies of Spider Man 3 off the street, your kids are safe now.

Allow computers to be seized more readily
-Terrorists? What terrorists?! We've gotta get those God damned bloggers behind bars....fucking free speech my ass.

I was going to keep this short because according to E-Blogger, we bloggers have the attention spans of gnats on speed, but oh well, it's my blog and I can bitch if I want to. All kidding aside,I can understand the film and music bigwigs trying to protect their interests, but in this digital age it's kind of like the movie and film industry are the old couple that still keeps their money under the mattress. I know that duplicating copywrigthed material without permission is against the law, and I don't condone it. I don't buy burned movies, or illegally download music. Honestly. I even explained to my kids how buying burned movies financially hurts the ones who made it, and is just plain illegal. But this? This bit of despotic legislation smacks of a smoke screen to further dismantle our right to privacy. We have to draw the line, people. Politicians are public servants, and we too often forget that. They serve at our whim, and our tax dollars pay their salaries.

What's next? Is Tom Cruise going to come crashing through my window the next time I think about kicking my neigbors teeth in because their fucking Pomeranian won't stop barking at every thing that passes by?

It also seems more than a bit convenient that this comes when Alberto Gonzalez is at the front the scandal concerning the firing of District Attorneys.....Slipping this legislation through while everyone is looking in the other direction?.....Well played, Al.

I'd like to open this up to discussion for anyone that would like to.

Step-Mother's Day

It took me a while to organize my thoughts, but here they are. In the mad rush for flowers, cards, gifts and a blur of brunch time get together on this Mother's Day, there is one particular person that I think gets forgotten or not as rewarded all too often: the Stepmother.

If being a parent is often times a thankless job, then being a step parent is thankless 24/7. Not only are you considered an outsider by some, often there is sense of complete alienation from the inner circle of parenting. The children weren't born to you, were not raised from infancy by you, and your first introduction to them often comes at a time of great loss and you become an object of hostility and disrespect.

I would like to take use this forum to express my deepest thanks and affection for those brave enough to take upon themselves the mantle of Step-Parent. You have entered onto a field of warring emotions, where there is no clear victor. You put aside your own happiness in consideration of the greater good and give of yourself more than any other.

Thank you Kristine for being the mother I wish my daughters had from the very beginning. The love, kindness, generosity, and self sacrifice you have shown my daughters is nothing short of heroic. I don't know if I can ever thank you enough for being there for us when we needed you most, and being my strength when I had none left, but I will die trying. You have left your mark on all of us, and we are all the better for it.

My resume's bigger than yours

TK is sharing some of his mind altering work history after being inspired by Litelysalted's tales of Bitches and deli-meats. So in honour of TK's thumbs and Litely's dignity, I'm sharing some of my own colorful past in the workforce.

1993-1995 Journeys Shoes - I started there as an ROP (Regional Occupation Program) student and was hired part time for summer.

Upside - Actually not a bad job for a high school kid. Discounts on brand name shoes, worked in the mall, got to talk to the fly honeys at San Francisco Cookie Shop all day.

Downside - My boss, Sharon, was a hardcore vegetarian and the smell from her bowel movements could peel the paint off of a Sherman tank. Her ex was a creep to the Nth degree and thought walking around with an Indian Spirit stick or whateverthehellitwas was cool.

2003-2004 - Prudent Choice - I got suckered into working their by my ex roommate. It was in an office building in Irvine, and ran by a fast talking midget from NY. No, not Chez. My first clue should have been that all the office equipment was second hand. The second clue was my first check bouncing. I spent my days conning people into buying into a medical discount program that offered little to no savings and was only accepted by witch doctors in Papua New Guinea . I had no medical benefits, worked weekends, and my co workers were often ex cons and washed up rock groupies with less teeth than Amy Winehouse. What can I say, I was in a weird place in my life.

P.S. I forgot to mention that their sales training sessions included reading sales scripts that took lines DIRECTLY from Boiler Room. I shit you not.

As you can see, I was spared the manual labor jobs TK excelled at, and the retail food chains Litely loves soooo much. But if not for them, who's backs would I stand on to climb the ladder of success?

I've said it before, I'll say it again....

Tyler Perry must be stopped

WorstPreviews.com
Get ready for Janet Jackson as you've never seen her before. So says Tyler Perry, who has Jackson starring along with himself, songstress Jill Scott and Sharon Leal (Dreamgirls) in his forthcoming "Why Did I Get Married?" feature.

"She's playing a college professor — actually, an author and professor of psychology," Perry reports. He is quick to add that Jackson "absolutely" has the chops to pull off the part convincingly. "I can't wait for people to see her like this."

You see that picture at the top of the post? THAT'S Tyler Perry, in drag. Cuz apparently the only way to get people to his plays is the prospect of watching a black man with prosthetic boobs jump around on stage waiving a 9mm.

For fucks sake, people, stop giving this man your money. I'm gonna give you a second to read the link at the top of this post to get a feel for this........done? Good.
The only way this movie should be released is as a lure to get Tyler Perry, his production company, and Southern Baptists in a theatre laced with demolition charges. You hear that TP? You're days are numbered, fuck-o.

Oh, and Janet Jackson playing an author and professor of psychology? I guess she must have gotten her chops playing hard hitting Oscar worthy roles in Nutty Professor II and Poetic Justice......where's my Maalox?

Cthulhu F'thagn! (at least I THINK that's what they said)

PORT MORESBY (Reuters) - Riot police have been sent to a remote mountainous village in Papua New Guinea after a gun battle between police and members of a cult involved in human sacrifices, local media reported Wednesday.

The National newspaper said several people were killed and many injured in the fighting last week in the Finschhafen area of Morobe province, 350 km (220 miles) north of the capital, Port Moresby.

Now, far be it from me to deny anyone religious freedom. Lord knows I had to spill more than my share of goats blood for the chiseled palace that is my body, but you gotta draw the line somewhere.

When your deity asks you to kill sacrifice an innocent person simply to prove your faith, I think that's when you say "Um, couldn't I just, like, say a few prayers? Maybe burn some incense? How about an orgy? Those are always fun, right?"

"If it's all the same to you, I'm gonna go see what the Buddhist temple down the street is doin', k?"

Let the shameless self promotion begin

Sorry about the super long post the other day folks.

Well, I know that I promised everyone a review of Spider Man 3, but to be honest with you I don't think there's anything I can add to it that Dustin over at Pajiba hasn't said. Other than to add that if I see another Spider Man movie with a goth Peter Parker and a dance montage, I will shoot the projectionist, find Sam Raimi's house, and beat him to a pulp with his own arm.

And to be honest with you, the day of my birthday was spent at home with the family relaxing and pretty much allowing my brain to retreat to the base of my spine while I slept.

I would like to announce that I'll be doing a guest blog over at Offsprung soon. It's a site dedicated to all things parenting written by some damn funny folks. They've been kind enough to setup a test blog to see how it goes and requested I contribute some posts about parenting and cover parenting issues related to the Hispanic community. So, I'll inform ya'll when the first post is up, so I hope you can stop by and show some support for the Lord of the Disco.

Because I know where you all live.

Cinco de My birthday-o

So, this weekend was Cinco de Mayo, my birthday, the De La Hoya vs. Mayweather fight, and the premier of Spider Man 3. I know my loyal readers (stop Chez, you're makin' me blush!) have been chomping at the bit to hear about my weekend exploits, so here goes.

First off my youngest daughters softball team had an away game in Fountain Valley Saturday morning. As we drove through the park on the way to the field, one fact became glaringly obvious to everyone in the car: Asians have a death wish. I kid you not, every single person walking through that park was at least 60 years old, and could not figure out that the gray, hard path they were taking their morning constitutional was *gasp! a road!!! Far be it from me to interrupt your one reason for living, but I'm behind 2.5 tons of metal and fiberglass and you're 85 pounds of MSG and ear hair. Who do ya' think is gonna win, Short Round? Man. Anyway, my daughters team spanked those losers 10-0, and my little slugger hit a double and made $9 off of us (we had to bribe her $5 a hit and $2 a foul to keep her from jumping out of the batters box whenever a pitch got within five feet of her).

Later that evening we dropped the kiddies off at Grandma and Grandpa Disco's house in Long Beach so we could make our way to the party. Needless to say, we were giddy at the prospect of a kid free evening of boozin' it up. On our way there, we picked up my brother, who I have officially dubbed "The Puerto Rican Ryan Seacrest" as evidenced by the following.

The party itself was great. There was plenty of food, the beer was chilled, and the music was loud. The usual family get together. Did I mention that it was requested that the guys show up in "Mexican" attire, and the women in "Paisa" gear? No, oh well. Seeing as I wasn't about to be caught dead in snakeskin boots and a Chivas cap, I found a men's clothing store in my neighborhood that carried "ethnic" clothing and picked up a white guayabera for a cool $17, thank you very much. Needless to say I looked fantastic. If anyone needs a stunt double for a cigar roller, I'm your guy. Mrs. Disco looked stunning as usual.

Soon after we arrived and got a chance to mingle, the main event started: De La Hoya vs. Mayweather. Honestly, I didn't really care who won the fight. I don't follow boxing, or most sports for that matter. Actually, I didn't care until one thing happened: Mayweather put on a sombrero. A motherfucking sombrero. Again: the black fighter put on a sombrero as he walked out to meet the Mexican fighter for the last fight of both of their careers.

Now, loyal readers, you're probably thinking to yourself "Verily, thou must have been quite angered at such an affront, Lord Disco" to which I would respond "Quite the contrary, lowly vassal....this summa bitch has cojones! Big, nasty, brass balls! I hope he beats the snot outta Oscar and then bangs his wife in the ring!!"

Mayweather would go on to win the fight by decision. :)

Soon after that, both Mrs. Disco and I realized an important fact. Earlier in the day we had purchased the ingredients to make ceviche, as I had requested it as part of my birthday. We came to the conclusion that we would have to leave the party earlier than anticipated in order to have time to prepare all the ingredients in time for consumption the next day. Not thrilled at this, we resigned to leave the party promptly at 11:30....well before we had planned on leaving, much to the disappointment of those at the party. I did, however, make sure that my cousin Ivan opened the gift I had found for him at the same store I purchased my guayabera. I don't think a more perfect gift has been purchased for anyone in the history of gift giving. Ever. I've done the research. The rest of you suck, I rule. End of story. Needless to say, he loved it. Then we left.

Shortly after arriving home, we began the Herculean task of gutting the shrimp. Four. Pounds. Of. Shrimp. By hand. At midnight. Needless to say, 1/8th of the way into it, I was hating life with the white hot passion of a thousand suns. I hated shrimp like Perez Hilton hates good taste. Like Uwe Boll hates quality film making. And the smell, oh God, the smell. You would think that the excrement of a shrimp would really not be that bad. Now imagine your sitting next to a bowl full of it. Yeah. Like that. If someone had walked up to my door at that very moment and said they were selling ceviche for $50 a bowl, I would have payed $100 and given them a reach around.

To be honest with you, it was also the most fun I had all night. Try gutting shrimp, squeezing rock hard limes for 3 drops of juice, and dicing tomatoes at 2 A.M. with someone you love. It's magical. We had more one liners flying back and forth than Jeremy Piven and Ryan Reynolds on crack:

"I had better fucking see God after eating this."
"Oh yeah, bitch." - after squeezing a particularly hard lemon to the point it split.
"I'm so ok with buying some store made ceviche and saying we made it....please?"
"OH GOD! How can one little shrimp have so much shit in it? How?"
"Shit, I think this one ate another shrimp."
"No one said anything about gutting the damn shrimp! Why didn't someone say something"?
"Do you think we have enough?" - after gutting about 10 shrimp.......

At 2 in the damn morning we finally had enough shrimp to satisfy whatever perverted work ethic kept us going.

The next day would bring us ceviche, Spider Man 3, and my birthday......to be continued

Cinco De....Meh?

I'll be working on my review of Spiderman 3 tonight along with posting some of the pics from the Cinco De Mayo party at my cousin Ivan's house. I may break the review into it's own post for brevity's sake. It was a surprisingly tame birthday weekend, although I have to admit I called it a night early on Saturday in order to come home and get wrist deep in shrimp shit.....I'll explain in the next post.

In the meantime, check out the comment diversion on Pajiba for your Celebrity Cheat list top 5

Cinco De Drink-o

Well....come this May 5th is the annual Hispanic tradition of trying to ingest enough alcohol to distract you from the sprawling vista of detritus that is your life, yet not enough to permanently bestow upon you the mental capacity of a 3rd grader with Down Syndrome. My good friends at Wikipedia have this to say about Cinco De Mayo:

"Cinco de Mayo ("The Fifth of May" in Spanish) is a national, but not federal, holiday in Mexico which is also widely celebrated in the United States. It commemorates the victory of Mexican forces led by General Ignacio Zaragoza Seguin over the French occupational forces in the Battle of Puebla on May 5, 1862".

But beware....

Some may try to fool you with terms like "history", "pride", and "on parole" but don't be fooled my friends. Oh no. It's all a ruse to get you to take repeated shots of cheap tequila from a boot shaped shot glass while your "friends" make ready with the Sharpie Markers and makeup.

On top of this already volatile powder keg of a weekend is the fact that the birthdays of myself and my two cousins Ivan and Victor both fall on this weekend.......lets' review that, shall we?

Three thirty something Hispanic men with an unlimited supply of booze.
Three thirty something Hispanic men with a penchant for neanderthal (often dangerous) behavior when drunk.
Three thirty something Hispanic men with no one but friends and family around (read: no one to call the police).
Also, I have tickets to see Spiderman 3 at the IMAX theatre.....at 10:00 A.M.....Sunday.

Which means that after a night of drinking, dancing, smoking cigars, drinking, eating, drinking.....(did I mention drinking)? I have to get home, sleep, wake up, pick up my kids from the sitter, then get to Irvine by 9 so I can get in a line packed with 40 year old men wearing too-small Spider Man t-shirts and beards they haven't shaved in 10 years that spent the night camped in front of the theatre, just so I can get a decent seat. Yay me.

I'll provide a full report on the weekends events on Monday, along with a review of Spider Man 3, provided that I don't cough up my liver.

Puttin' the "F-U" in funeral!

In the wake of Chez's post regarding the anniversary of his brain worm surgery, and my own daughter having her appendix out, I've given a lot (meaning absolutely zero) of thought to what kind of funeral I would like to have on that earth shattering day that I depart this mortal coil. There are a multitude of rituals to mourn/celebrate the passing of a loved one to a hopefully "better place":

Sometimes the Japanese would kill the wives and animals for the newly deceased? It was so the dead wouldn't be lonely (Pleeeeez tell me there is a loophole that includes ex-wives, yet excludes Shih-Tzus.)

The traditional Irish wakes were always played with loud music to keep evil spirits from possessing the newly deceased (I always thought that was to drown out the sound of their own projectile vomit....go figure).

When a Viking died, he was buried w/ all of his armour and his horse just in case he met with battle on the other side (Do my "UnderArmour" boxer briefs count?).

The Bongas buried their men with their faces to the North and their women with their faces to the South (nothin' says "lovin'" like a vaj full of worms.......sexy!).

I do know that I definitely don't want a somber, weepy affair with jarring floral arrangements. I would hope that it would be a more upbeat event, with friends and family sharing anecdotes about my personality quirks and sexual prowess.


I have shared with those close to me (I'm looking at you, Mrs. Disco) that one stipulation in my burial be that my corpse be made to sit amongst the mourners, with various pulleys and cable systems connected to simulate life like movement. Why should I miss out in my own party just cuz' I'm dead? If I can't shake my rotting corpses ass to "My Humps", then the terrorists have already one, dammit.


Unless I'm cremated, that is. In that case I would want my ashes sprinkled over some bacon wrapped scallops. Take a little bit of The Disco home with you!! .....And then get dysentery.

Should I have the midget rock band "Pocket Rocket" playing covers of Misfits songs? I'm just sayin'.